Category Archives: My Fantasy Class Garage

My Fantasy Class Garage – Jagagotchi (NOT Sam Skelton)

Next up is our Sam Skelton wannabe. He likes big barges usually and tends to regurgitate standard drivel. But here goes anyway. You can feel the wannabe journalist overtones OOZING from him more than Chucky. Enjoy*

Jaguar XJ40

Beloved of Tories, crooks and banger racers, the XJ40 truly is all things to all men. It combines ‘80s flash with a driving experience that’s so good, you can’t help but have a disgusting smug grin on your face every time float down the road in one. It may have spawned the X300 and X308, which are quantifiably better cars, but the square ‘80s styling of the original avoids the cheerleader-tied-up-in-the-boot creepy vibe of the X300, and the tacky, desperate image of the X308. There are cheaper ways to have fun, such as a coke habit or an addiction to Wagyu beef. If you’re after the smarmy satisfaction that golf club touring cars like these offer, look no further.

ADO16

ADO16s are one of those rare cars that once you get in them…you just want to drive them…and drive them…and drive them. They’ve got more grip than most bath mats, and even the 1100 has enough torque to make one feel quick in every gear. I know for similar Issigonis nonsense most would point me towards AN Mini, but because the classic car scene constantly tries to ramn the Mini down one’s throat (metaphorically I mean. physically having a Mini rammed down your throat would hurt) I get sick of the sight of the bloody things.

Triumph Acclaim

It’s hard to explain why I like these. It’s the car equivalent of having a weird crush. Maybe it’s the whole under-dog thing? It was only recently that the Triumph Owner’s Club accepted them, and most people probably don’t even have a clue what they are. Acclaims are an interesting footnote in BLARG history, and I’d like to own one in much the same way I’d like an Ekranoplan: only interesting because of their obscurity, but interesting all the same (Ekranoplan VS Triumph Acclaim – ARF twin test?).

MG3

Occasionally a Metro, bubble shape R3 or a 45 for sale will pop up via a link on one of those numerous CLASSIC BRITISH ONLY OLD CAR OLD BUY CLASSIC AND SELL LOVERS ONLY type Facebook groups, and hundreds of lickers will frot themselves over gleaming paintwork, low mileage and a full service history. This is normally because they were owned by OAPs, who keep their cars for decades, get them serviced on the dot at main dealers and only drive once a week to buy slug killer or something. But now the firm is dead, what will the lickers frot themselves over in the future? A Honda Jazz just isn’t the same. Oh course! MG! Barton to the rescue with the delightful little MG3. But MG don’t want to sell any cars, and nobody has heard of them, so very few MG3s will probably make that stage in life. For the sake of all future window lickers and internet BLARG experts I feel I should buy one, do 7 miles a year in it, only take it to a main dealer for servicing, so it can be wheeled out on eBay after my eventual and inevitable suicide. You’ll all appreciate me when I’m dead.

Triumph Stag

Stags are dreadful. They drive with all the finesse of a lopsided shopping trolley with five wheels, aren’t especially quick and are hopelessly unreliable in standard form. And that’s before we even get to the finger-severing design of the hood, which is a work of art in it’s own right. So why is something so dreadful on my list? Because of how they make you feel. The good looks, V8 soundtrack and generally laid back way in which a Stag goes about its business will make anyone, and mean anyone look and feel cool. Even if you look like a moldy dog turd and have the personality of a fax machine, a Stag will transform you into Sir Roger Moore in an instant. It’s like viagra for your personality.

There we have it. I Apologise.

My Fantasy Class Garage – MrRod

Next up is our poison dwarf. Let’s see if our tax-dodging twitter-blocker has the nounce to put together a good list. I have every confidence in him to do just that.

Early MG Metro

They say you should never go back but sod that. I had one of these as my first car and it was bloody great. So if the NNMF would like to bang one out for me, I’ll take a black one please.

 

 

 

SD1 Vitesse Twin Plenum

Well just look at it. . The SD1. Bloody beautiful cars, and the twin plenum 3500 Vitesse has got to be up there. I know some people prefer the early s1 with its skeleton badge and single bootlid strap and all, and fair enough, but I prefer the later cars. So with those looks plus the V8 in the finest iteration that the SD1 got, its the one for me. So if the lads at the Hypothetical Factory of Class wouldn’t mind not going on strike for a day, and would build me one of these properly I’d be very grateful.

 

Leyland P76 Force 7

Because big Australian white elephant. Brilliant. What’s not to like? The Firm’s Aussie offshoot took the fight to the big boys and ruined it, naturally, but one of the big “what ifs” – WHAT IF they had put them together properly and WHAT IF they’d not released them when they did? Sure they’d have had to go some to beat Holden and Ford at their own game but just maybe… So, please, add one of these to the garage.

Rover 216 GTi Twin Cam 3 door

Well the R8 – what can we say. Obviously we shall ignore Mark Mastropotato’s sacrilegious witterings about whether it was just the shite competition that made the R8 seem good. Of course not. It WAS that good, and driving one now, over a quarter of a century later, it still holds it own. The pinnacle of the firm’s affair with Honda the R8 platform, under the Firm, spawned multiple bodystyles and received many engines – from the excellent early K series, the best-not-mention Pug soot chuckers to Honda’s sweet D series, amongst others. For me, the best engine was the screaming D series twin cam, and the 3-door bodystyle was a rare treat, so i’ll take one in GTi flavour ta. And it’s money no object so i’ll also take a fuel tanker to follow me around.

Innocenti DeTomaso

I was going to pick an MG6… LIKE HELL I WAS. A great looking, sharp Italian suit draped over those classic Mini mechanicals and famous rubber-coned suspension make for one very appealing package, to my mind. So one of those, thoroughly waxoyled from the factory, delivered to my garage. I’ll change my name to Roberto and drive around early 80’s Milan, shouting highly inappropriate things to young signoritas, whilst nursing a semi and harbouring feelings of deep-seated catholic guilt. Whens-a your Dolmio day, indeed.

My Fantasy Class Garage – MarinaST

Next up is marinast. A man of class for many years with plenty of Special Tuning and Motorsport P.K on hand. Here’s his 5.

Leyland Force 7R

The daddy of Leyland Australia’s capability and so close to being a reality.  The Force 7 was canned just before launch (‘just’ as in hours before) and all but a handful were crushed. The 7R was to have been a true Aussie Muscle car, developed by Repco and with at least 250-300bhp on tap, it would have been a serious contender against the V8 Ford and Holdens at the time. With petrol injection and a stretch to 5 litres the 7R could have developed into a serious bit of kit, and knowing the Australians love of lairy paint and trim schemes at the time, certainly memorable in appearance.

Leyland Marina GT/6

Aha! Again I’ve picked a ‘what if’ you say, but at least one GT/6 prototype was made and it’s in a Australian Muscle Car Museum.
The GT/6 used the 2600cc E6, mated to triple Webber carbs, along with a free flowing exhaust and four speed gearbox.(the standard 2600/Red Six had an ancient three speeder) Power outputs for this beast are only estimates but at least 150bhp.
Development engineers claimed it was quicker than the then current 201 cu. in six cylinder Holden Torana LH, a car far from lacking in the power department (@135bhp) and could have been the second quickest production Marina after the MG V8 version, but that’s another story…

Rover 75 V8

Yes, the power plant is an ancient 2 valve Ford lump and mated to an old style automatic gearbox so no hypermiling here, but what a swansong. There is no other Rover which combined sheer classy looks, smooth ride and lazy but brutal performance in one place.  These are a car which are currently highly undervalued, so I guess now is the time to buy.

Triumph 2000 MD

Back in the ’60s the 2000 and P6 led the charge in mid sized 2 litre executive saloons.  Just 49 MD (Managing Director) versions were produced, they featured wire wheels, triple Stromberg Carburettors and overdrive along with a gorgeous (Nadi?) wood rimmed steering wheel and chromed scuttle trim. They oozed CLASS then and they ooze CLASS now.

Douglas Bader’s Austin Allegro Equipe

How do you make an Equipe even better? Douglas Bader asked BL to produce a car specifically for him (it turned out to be the last car he would own) so in went a one off factory fit automatic gearbox along with a special Spitfire bonnet mascot.
A special car and owned by one of our nations most famous fighter pilots. Sadly it was last seen in a scrapyard around 25 years ago but as a fantasy Class garage motor they don’t get much more special than that.

And that’s that for now.

My Fantasy Class Garage – Barry

Next up is the Ireland’s answer to Bobby Ball. He’s been very specific in terms of his class garage, even specifying the colour. Fair play.

Rover SD1 2600S

I had one of these in Midas Gold and loved it. I’ve regretted selling it
ever since. I love the torque of the engine, yes, I know it’s fatally flawed but it sounds good due to it being a straight six. The series 1 cars have cleaner lines in my opinion and with a very rare leather interior they’re extremely comfortable. Even the dashboard is lovely to use and is very interesting when compared to modern cars.

 


Rover R8 214SEi

In Nightfire red, I love the last of line cars of the R8 shape. Very clean lines, very well finished and what was Rovers high point in terms of quality fit and finish. It was all down-hill from here. The only fly in the ointment for me is the ride height is a bit high.

 


Austin Maxi Mk 2 1750HLS in Tara Green

I’m lucky that I’ve actually owned 2 of my dream class cars. Comfortable, practical and usable as a daily were what sold it to me. The Tara Green paintwork match with chrome really stands out to this day. My mates even nick named it the slug………cunts come to think of it. It’s a real pity the suspension had a tendency to let it down.

 

Rover 75 KV6 2.5

I’ve owned a lovely Rover 75 and while it was the pick of the range in diesel form it’s the sound of the 2.5 that really makes it stand out for me. I’m sorry I haven’t owned a good one, although there is still time but good clean ones are becoming hard to find, especially as so many owners like to stick tat on and ruin the interior.

 

MGF VVC

Again, I’ve had an MGF but not a VVC, which stands for Very Very Complicated or so everyone whose owned one that went wrong tells me. Great handling, interesting design and some nice touches mean this is a great every man car.

 

Whilst his choices aren’t pushing the boundaries of what is out there, there is a reason they’d all be in his dream garage. Every last one of them could be driven and enjoyed daily.

My Fantasy Class Garage – MarkM

Well I suppose it’s my turn to put my own list of 5 into print.

Not an easy task given the fact I’ve seen so many great lists already but here goes.

Rover 214 SEi:

There has to be a place for this in my fantasy garage, a touch of sentimentality, but also because I believe it was one of the best run-out models the firm ever made. The R8 was such a capable car, but the little 214 SEi gave an insurance-friendly, nippy, comfortable, sporty package that still felt quality.

 

Montego 2.0 GTi:

Another one that’d be kind of sentimental. I learned to drive in a post 88 Montego DSL, my old man also worked at a Rover main dealer between 89-91. I remember him bringing home a Montego GTi and I thought it was fantastic. Probably one of the most inappropriate uses of the GTi badge ever applied to a car and for that reason it’s a winner.

 

Austin Allegro Equipe:

That paint scheme, that front chin-spoiler and those wheels somehow turned a car I thought was a frumpy-looking, laughable blob into a hot-hatch chaser. Sexier than an Alfasud or Golf put-together, this was the only time they got it right with the Allegro as a Euro-star. Then the Series 3 came along and bollocksed things up. Dickheads.

 

Rover 3500 V8S:

I was torn between an SD1 and a P6. I’ve always told myself I wanted a P6 yet when it’s come to the crunch, a Series 1 SD1 with those Gold Alloys just ticks more boxes. It’d have to be in Triton Green too for that full ‘i wish the car in the brochure was mine’ effect, Just glorious.

 

 

Jaguar XKR-S Sportbrake:

A very difficult last choice, again, I always thought a 75 V8 would make it into my list and likewise a Discovery 3, but I cannot ignore the XF. It’s fantastic in 3.0d S guise, but it’d have to be the V8 Supercharged monster for me in this scenario. They’re a fabulous car to drive, incredibly nimble and supremely comfortable. The only reason I am picking the Sportbrake is that I could not put up with the ironing board spoiler on the saloon.

That’s yer lot… More to come.

My Fantasy Class Garage – Tim (Gordon Bennett)

Next up it’s Tim. It can only be assumed all of these cars are fitted with a 1980s-spec car-phone, just in case Sward wants to give him a call.

Range Rover L405 SDV8:

Aside from its size there don’t appear to be many compromises or drawbacks to these things. Nevermind that you probably need two for when one is inevitably being mended.

 

 

Defender 90 TD5:

It does little of use outside of a farmer’s field that a Raj Rover doesn’t do better but there is a certain something about these things, even more so with the TD5 soundtrack. It still manages to be class without a hint of vulgarity too.

 

 

Rover 216 GTi:

I’m torn between one of the Twin-Cam Honda models (the better car) and the 220 Turbo Coupe (the halo model) here. 216 GTi 5-door with the two tone flame red over tempest grey if I have to pick one.

 

 

MG ZT-T 260

Ever since seeing Clarkson going sideways in a firefrost saloon model I’ve fancied one of these things. I appreciate they’re utterly compromised but they’re proof that even at the fag-end of car production at Longbridge they genuinely could produce something really quite special.

 

 

Rolls-Royce Wraith:

Am I allowed a BMW Rolls-Royce? If so put me down for the Wraith please. Never driven one but have been a passenger in a Ghost and a Phantom, both of which were utterly sublime. I’d opt for a Phantom, but prefer the idea of driving myself to being driven.

 

What a batch! Clearly a man with expensive taste is our Tim. Class will out!

Stay tuned for another list soon.

My Fantasy Class Garage – Scott Armstrong (Derek)

Today we turn upside down and find out what our Kiwi radio-spakka has in his fantasy class garage.

Rover P5B:

The car that started it all with THAT engine. A step in a such a positive direction for Rover with that light-weight, burbling power-plant wrapped up in an elegant wood n’ leather gentleman’s tank. It worked better than anyone could ever have hoped. Delightful.

 

 

Jaguar XJ6 SIII:

In my opinion the XJ6 is England’s best saloon. The Series III model was enhanced by Pininfarina and turned into the World’s best saloon. Supreme.

 

 

 

Range Rover Vogue:

The original and best. Inventor of the luxury SUV – 5 doors, leather chairs, V8 power. Proper and right.

 

 

 

Triumph Stag: 

Elegant beyond belief. A beautiful touring 4 seater that looks absolutely stunning from bumper to bumper. Only mechanical problems stopped it from being a hit. Cruelly robbed.

 

 

Rover 200 R8:

The most perfectly formed 5-door car of that decade. Beautiful, well engineered, and ideally suited to The Rover Treatment. Spot on.

 

 

 

 

 

And there we have it, Derek’s five of the best, no real surprises but clearly he’s a man of class.

More to come soon.

My Fantasy Class Garage – Chucky de Hammer (Chucky)

Next up is regular contributor Chucky.

Becoming increasingly verbose of late, his list of 5 is to follow. There’s definitely a theme for some MacDroitwich favourites emerging within these lists…

Choosing five starts giving you options and ideas and reasons, and of course you end up changing your mind ten minutes later. So here is my list of the cars of class I would most desire in my garage, until tomorrow anyway when I will want at least one change.

Rover Metro 1.1 S:

First up is an obvious choice for the daily hack. A mini is a crude, crashing lashup stuffed full of half-baked ideas that only got signed off by Issigonis as he came up with them. I did flirt with an 1100 but I don’t think Machine Mart hold enough stock of welding wire to keep one roadworthy. Far better to go for the Metro 1.1S. The K Series in its smallest size and least number of valves is a gem, it had the best version of Moulton’s hydragas suspension and inside was nicely fitted out. Too many so-called city cars suffer from choppy ride, dismal handling, harsh engines and cheap, low-rent interiors. The Metro, even today, feels nimble, smooth, quiet and comfy.

Jaguar XJ-C:

There are of course times when you need the perfect car to whisk away Shiralee Coleman to the breathtaking sights of exotic faraway places. For example, Porthmadog. Such a task can only be accomplished by a grand touring car, and a touring car is only truly grand when it has twelve pistons, which thankfully removes the need to consider a Triumph Stag. Instead, I would have a black Jaguar XJ-C. Sir William’s, lithe, pillarless swansong is achingly gorgeous and the whispering punch from the big twelve-pot is one of the most addictive engines to drive that I know of. It would be the perfect car to whisk away a lady of such stature to see a narrow gauge railway followed by a visit to a hostel which charges by the hour for a swift how’s your father.

MG Maestro 2.0i:

What would be ideal for those moments when you need to get somewhere very quick and preferably without being too noticed? Another easy choice really; the MG Maestro 2.0, a car that nicked VW’s rear beam suspension and then, with a far superior chassis and suspension setup, rubbed their faces right in it. The Maestro goes, handles and stops so much better than Wolfsburg’s effort only the most myopic would drive one and still settle for the VW. It’s so good you should buy one before they become too expensive, otherwise you will be left with no choice but to buy its third rate competitor instead. And you will then hate yourself every single day.

Leyland P76 Force 7:

Choosing a sports car starts with turfing out what I don’t like. The Austin Healey 3000 is for old men coming to terms with impotence and from Triumph only the TR8 convertible remotely appeals, but then you have to deal with the dickheads who automatically assume that it’s a converted TR7.The MGA Twin Cam would in theory be lovely, a nimble sporty thing with an eager motor and Dunlop steelies for added porn, but they do tend to blow up. Instead I would go for a P76 Force 7 V. Here is a coupe that shouted Australian style (did I just put those two words next to each other?) while also being perfectly practical – they are an easy 5-seater and the rear hatch is absolutely huge – and with the Rover V8 in 4.4 litre guise under the bonnet it will barrel along just dandy. There is no nicer car of class to cruise along the seafront of Weston-Super-Mare in the tropical July heat, a gentle breeze tumbling round your Wayfarers on your way to get some chips, the windscreen wipers struggling under the weight of ladies knickers being flung at your motor while you cruise.

Range Rover Vogue SE 3.9 EFi:

I forgot to add the Range Rover to the list so it fits nicely here at the end, an original shape in four-door format. I will never forget driving over 300 miles in a 3.9 Vogue SE one wintry, blizzard-riddled day to Cumbria and back and how it treated the treacherous blacktop with calm, aloof contempt. It was almost mocking other motorists as they slipped and slid and struggled to make headway. The Range Rover was an inspired piece of work by Spen King and it’s an automatic choice in the five-car garage. But in my eyes it’s also the first choice for the one-car garage. Really, it’s the only car you ever need.

So, after that brief summary from Chucky, we await with baited-baited breath for our next instalment.

My Fantasy Class Garage – Adrian J Clark (Mr Calrk)

To show that we are an equal-opportunities community, next up is Mr Calrk aka Randle.

The MG 6-owning, self-confessed chubby-chaser and SAAB enthusiast has put together his famous-five for your delectation.

Rover P6:

It really has to be in beige. My decision is purely because it’s still such a sexy looking thing and it is a car that personifies what Rover was about once. I don’t care what engine, I’d have it for the looks and experience alone.

 

Austin Allegro:

It really has to be beige, so I’d have it
in harvest gold. I think they’ve aged rather well and it is the car that defined BL (some would say everything that was WRONG with BL)

 

 

Morris Ital:

My sentimental choice, so doesn’t necessarily have to be beige, my dad had one. It was the first car I’d have travelled in. I think the marina is a better looking car, mind.

 

 

 

Leyland Sherpa:

Everybody needs a van. I’d probably want a beige one. I don’t want a Freight-Rover, I don’t want a Leyland Daf and I don’t want an LDV. I want a proper Sherpa.

 

 

MG SV-R:

Unfortunately not available in beige, but because it was one last ‘fuck you’ from Longbridge. I love the looks, love the fact that it’s got an ancient big American V8 in it, and it’s the last true new design from the firm (not counting the MG Motor UK stuff, as that’s basically a new company trading on a mixture of a dead badge and Barton engineering).

And that’s that, more from the MacDroitwich team later.

My Fantasy Class Garage – Ottertronic

Next up is the otter., a man who needs no introduction and has now calmed down alot over that ‘Brexit Business’.

This is a really tricky one. Ask me again in a week and my top five might have changed. But for now, here we go.

Land Rover Defender Heritage:

Yes, I’m kicking off with my own car. Technically terrible in almost every single way and yet absolutely dripping with CLASS, from the Marina column stalks and Montego window switches to the approximate build quality and constant spectre of malfunction. I love mine, although if money’s no object in this fantasy league I might keep the stock looks but bin the Transit engine and replace it with a Rover V8.

 

Austin 3-litre:

The whitest elephant on the savannah of CLASS and endearing for that alone, never mind that it has an appealingly stately appearance, runs on Dr Moulton’s splendid interconnected suspension, and would earn you 50 spotter’s points every time you opened the garage. Red interior and automatic transmission, please. Although I’d be tempted to tear out that tight-chested six and replace it with a Rover V8.

Jaguar XJ12 (XJ81)

I want some Jaguar V12 smoothness in my fantasy garage and, while it’s tempting to go path-of-least-resistance with a Series 3-shape XJ, there’s something perversely appealing this XJ40 spin-off. It grew out of an engineering cock-up, it had a tortured genesis and it was unloved compared to its predecessor. Pretty much full-house on the CLASS background checklist. Also, with minimal chrome, quad lamps and cross spoke alloys, it looks terrific. And if the V12 went pop I could always replace it with a Rover V8. What? SHUT UP JIM RANDLE, I KNOW YOU’RE LYING.

Austin Montego 2.0i:

Torquey engine, delightful chassis, a sweetly shifting five speed gearbox. Plus, it’s symbolic of that fascinating era in the history of The Firm between 1970s malaise and Honda-bought slickness when defeat was seized from victory’s jaws by shonky quality and styling that made The Axe’s glasses steam up. I’m not even fussed about getting it in MG spec. A nice VDP would do fine. I could imagine using it quite a lot. Plus, I’ve already met Sam Skelton so I’ve saved some time there. Just one thing, I think I’d have to fit it with a Rover V… KIDDING.

Range Rover Classic (Restomod):

Since money is no object in fantasy land, bear with me on this one. A classic Raj Rover, mid-‘80s spec Vogue, totally standard from the outside, but completely re-built in the manner of those lovely Singer Porsches with desirable modern features and build quality as tight as the approximately-sized Solihull panels will allow. Roll-resisting air suspension from a modern Range Rover, an eight-speed ZF autobox, icy air-con, everything that will make it an up-to-date, everyday car with the looks of a stone cold classic. Oh, and a 5-litre AJ133 V8 under the bonnet. Unless there’s another, more appropriate V8 engine anyone can suggest?

A great mix. More in the coming days to follow..