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Your handy guide to the world's most brutal BL forum. Now with a glass rear window.


  1. The MacDroitwich HISTORY
  2. The MacDroitwich GLOSSARY
  3. The MacDroitwich PEOPLE
  4. The MacDroitwich LANDMARKS

The MacDroitwich HISTORY[edit]

1.1 In the beginning, there was, and it was good. 1.2 And there was much laughter and drifting of threads, and the citizens made much merriment. 1.3 And the moderation team were much aggrieved by the threads that drifteth, and they saw that it was not good. 1.4 So Brian of Hunn raiseth his BullshitOmeter (tm). 1.5 And he smote them. 1.6 Seeing that the threads dissappeareth with great frequency, and their names were condemned, and likened to the sons of Onan, the citizens revolteth. 1.7 And they did journey to the promised land that was PhBBer, and they did name a forum after their own names, which were Mac5 and Droitwich Ken, and they saw that it was good. 1.8 And Brian of Hunn did wail and rend his raiment, and spend a year in the wilderness, for it was so.

2.1 And seeing the new land, where verily they might go off-topic without fear of the BullshitOmeter (tm), the citizens flocked to MacDroitwich, for it was called thusly. 2.2 Verily were the forum controls given to Lord Sward and lo, did the citizens observe that Sward + IT doth equal disaster. 2.3 Despite the spasticity, MacDroitwich was a busy and thriving community, and it was good. 2.4 But the citizens of other lands were jealous of the prosperity and the merriment enjoyed by MacDroitwich, and in the year two thousand and seven they travelled to MacDroitwich with ill will. 2.5 And they did make visible many pictures of human filth, and the citizens were sore disgusted. 2.6 But the citizens were dispirited not, and they sought out the invaders with much industry. 2.7 And they smote them. 2.8 Yet this enraged the invaders more, and they returned to the land of MacDroitwich. 2.9 And they did use trickery and cunning to ill ends, and forty thousand posts were destroyed. 2.10 Yet still the citizens despaireth not, and they blameth the very same invaders. 2.11 And they smote them, and threatened them with judgment.

3.1 One day the man known as Alex 'Wedge' did leave the fertile lands of MacDroitwich for he sought a better place for 'his sort of people'. 3.2 And verily did the citizens of MacDroitwich cry with mirth unconfined for his quest was a failure and did smell of piss. 3.3 Alex 'Wedge' did return to MacDroitwich for a time before verily the moderators did smote him. 3.4 And lo, did scuba_dave make mixture for a cake and then unto it spill his seed. 3.5 And did a man called Barry fill MacDroitwich with waste matter and lo, did the citizens see that it was badly punctuated and of no value whatsoever for verily the Barry man was a spastic. 3.6 And did the citizens of MacDroitwich gather and pray for the end.

4.1 To be continued...

The MacDroitwich GLOSSARY[edit]


  • * - Symbol denoting that the preceding sentence may contain factual errors or untruths. For example, "Wow Benny! What an excellent and well informed opinion!*"
  • 01234 311559 - Call NOW for all your massive spasticity needs! Just ask for BIGGUNS!
  • £500 - The number of Her Majesty's pounds that buys any Rover 75 or MG ZT. A "fact" apparently not enjoyed by Jerry Flint (see PEOPLE). See also a Benny (qv)


An AGM, yesterday
  • A - An word rendered redundant by the invention of the far more useful, "AN". As in, "Stop acting like AN spastic and fit AN large vinyl badge to the rear of your Maxi to create AN stylish effect".
  • 'A bit that way' - Xenophobic. © The Scoth
  • 'Adamscart' - Mr Keith Adams. As in, "Oh yes, it's Wednesday. The Adamscart always goes over on a Wednesday" See also Rainman
  • AGM - Annual General Meeting. An event at which MacDroitwichians gather to assume the back-patting position. Typical highlights include marquee, barbecue, FNiMN (qv) and Rhyds & Droity singing live.
  • Alan Asby - Alter ego of evicted MacDroitwichian Alex 'Wedge'(see PEOPLE). Owner of the world's largest, and shittest, collection of Vauxhall Cavaliers.
  • Alfa Romeo - A car that suffers as much Heritage (qv) as anything from The Firm (qv) but costs twice as much to fix. Formerly driven by Rhyds (see PEOPLE)
  • ALLAGGRO - Austin Allegro.
  • ALLAGGRO Estate - A hearse for midgets. See also Midget Hearse (qv}.
  • Ambastardor – Austin Ambassador. See also AmCLASSador. "The car the Princess could have been" (if the original Princess design brief had been "must not be nice to look at or drive but should have a hatchback").
  • All The Cars I Talked About Buying - Current writing project of Lord Sward (see PEEPHOLE) based around the many thousands of compelling used cars he declares an interest in purchasing. Then doesn't.
  • AmCLASSador – See Ambastardor
THAT painting, yesterday
  • Artgate – Legendary moment in MacDroitwich history when functioning retard Barry (see PEOPLE) proudly showed off an "artwork" of a Rover SD1 created by his mother. Francis Bacon once noted that beauty was related to "strangeness in the proportion". This painting disproved that.
  • Atari buttons - Buttons in the style of a 1980s computer game console, as employed by arch-mentalist Richard Moss (see PEOPLE) to replace the normal electric seat controls on his Rover 800 for reasons so baffling even Moss himself might struggle to explain them.
  • Asterix - Cartoon character who always talks bollocks. See also *
  • "At best sour grapes, at worst blatant xenophobia" - Statement made by Rusty (see PEOPLE) of such towering self-righteousness that even Polly Toynbee might think twice before using it. Rightfully mocked ever since.
  • ATF - Automatic transmission fluid. A substance which can be added to your Rover 800's engine oil to quieten the hydraulic tappets, although only if you are a MENTAL. See Richard Moss (PEOPLE)
  • ATLLWTs - Alloys that looks like wheel trims.
  • Automagic - See codgermatic
  • Automatique - See codgermatic
  • Auto-Poppins - Automatic thought control and moderation system much favoured by Dave Seamaster (see PEOPLE)
  • Autoshite - An otherwise entertaining automotive forum, sadly spoiled by BITTER MEN and HATTERS of FREEDOM.
  • Aye - Northern affirmation and one of only four things posted on MacDroitwich by Lord Sward (see PEEPHOLE). See also GTF; VAG SHITE; Tim, can you ring me.


BMW - They 'stabbed Mike Back'
  • B** - BMW. A censorship tradition initiated by Mr Jerry Flint (see PEOPLE) on XPF (qv) immediately after the unpleasantness (qv) as a mark of respect to the fallen of Longbridge.
  • Badly Tarmaced drive - Universal reference used when discussing residents of the Emerald Isle. Considered "BIGOTED" and "RACIST" by Bitter Men (qv).
  • Balloon headed West Country TWAT - See HARDY, The Spask (PEOPLE)
  • Balls-deep – Making love. Sexual intercourse. Foeda est in coitu et brevis voluptas, Et taedet Veneris statim peractae. Petronius. Shagging.
  • Barton - Chinaman
  • Bavarian barge - BMW 7-series
  • Bavarian Escort - BMW 1-series
  • Bavarian Granada - BMW 5-series
  • Bavarian Sierra - BMW 3-series
The Belmonty, yesterday
  • Beach towel - Holiday staple much beloved of sun lounger bagging Teutons, now revealed to be a key tool in the perpetration of major criminal acts, specifically the deliberate concealing of a car number plate prior to petrol theft.
  • Bedward - The duo of Ben and Edward, proprietors of Stafford Coachworks (qv). World leaders in overspray artistry and car-based blithering spasticity.
  • Beetle GT - Porsche 911
  • Beetle-on-stilts - Porsche Cayenne
  • Beglium - Belgium. A country started by a group of people too stoned to get into Amsterdam.
  • Belsen - Name coined for the Standard 8/10 by Sir John "Mr. Tact and Sensitivity" Black.
  • Belmonty - Hilarious automotive basilisk posted on A-R by (C)Rockdude (see PEOPLE), thus ensuring his cult status on MacDroitwich.
  • Benny (noun) - £500. Named in honour of Benny "R6man" Adams (see PENILE DRYNESS) and the insulting amount of money he offered for Neil's Rover 75.
  • Benny (verb) - To smack into something whilst parking. Named in honour of Benny "R6man" Adams (see TEPID PISS RINSE) and his patented system of car manoeuvring based around constantly twatting into things like a bulbous idiot, thereby causing mild damage to the bodywork and exterior trim.
  • BennyCam - Unique photographic system which automatically renders all pictures wildly out of focus to the point of uselessness. Invented by Benny "R6Man" Adams (see SHIT IN A SOCK) and seemingly much favoured by those advertising cars on eBay.
  • Bennymatic - Vehicle transmission system based around a conventional manual gearbox. To operate, the driver simply engages 1st gear, uses the clutch as the 'setting off pedal', and thereafter leaves the gearlever alone whilst ROARING about the place at 17mph, bouncing off the rev limiter until the entire drivetrain FALLS OUT.
  • Bennymatic 2 - Vehicle transmission system based around a conventional automatic gearbox. To operate, the driver simply engages D, sets off as normal and then begins to WAGGLE the gear selector lever all over the place until eventually it SNAPS OFF.
  • Benny's brain, Are you using? - Pointed question posited to anyone experiencing a moment of stupidity, possibly involving the grotesquely inept piloting and/or maintenance of a motor vehicle.
  • Benny Parking Services - Mythical valet business which offers to take your car, clatter it into several things that are more sturdy than it is, then park it in the style made famous by Benny (see SWEATY LEGS). That is to say, badly.
  • Best car in the real world, The - Contentious label applied to the Ford Mondeo, originally by Lord Sward (see PEEPOLE). Same distinction latterly applied by ear hair afflicted fans of CLASS (qv) to the Morris 8 Series 'E' .
  • Big blue box - The kind of slogan-bearing obstruction a massive mentalist would superimpose over photographs in his Photobucket account to prevent normal people from laughing at his fucking idiotic 'customising' work.
  • Bike - Two-wheeled pedal-powered vehicle used by Lord Tebbitt's father to seek out employment.
  • BINI – BMW Mini. Camp parody of the Metro Development Hack (qv).
  • Bint - Wife/girlfriend/partner.
  • Birmingaham - Large industrial centre in the West Midlands and England's second city. At least, it as according to the syntactically inept buffoons at MG Motor UK who can't seem to get the name right, even though they are based there.
The Kensington premises of B isto ars
  • B ISTO ARS - Bristol Cars. Superbly off-beam purveyor of gentleman's carriages to the slightly mental. So named because of constantly malfunctioning illuminated sign on their Kensington premises.
  • Bisto Arse - See Gastro-intestinal distress (qv). Not to be confused with superbly off-beam purveyor of gentleman's carriages to the slightly mental and not so named because of constantly malfunctioning illuminated sign on their Kensington premises.
  • Bitter man, A - A person consumed with envy, in the shade of Applejack.
  • Bitter tears of regret - A saline solution secreted by the eyes of those overcome with emotion, often when visiting Gaydon-By-The-Bins (qv).
  • Blarneytard - An unintelligent Irish person who carries on as if they know everything.
  • Bloated Impostor - See "BINI".
  • "Bringing down the MacDroitwich dinosaur" - A phrase devised by erstwhile member Mini Spasto (see PEOPLE) in a fruitless attempt to collapse MacDroitwich. A bitter man (qv).
  • Boiled egg - Water cooked poultry ovum, typically served with toast soldiers or perhaps integrated into a salad. Unless you are Lord Sward (see PEEHOLE), in which case it should be de-shelled and placed atop of a curry, perhaps with the jaunty words "Try it and be delighted!" See also Raspberry yoghurt (cooked).
  • Boots Vouchers - Official Almost Completely Useless Currency of MacDroitwich. Better than cash (assuming the only things you need to buy in life are rubber gloves, homebrew kits and unedifyingly damp sandwiches).
  • Bostin Rover - See FigLeaf.
  • BPS - See Benny Parking Services
  • Brake Pipes - See RUST.
  • Brown envelope - A method of lubricating the wheels of Local Government so they turn in favour of one's interests. Often erroneously referred to as a 'bribe'.
  • Bucket - Spunk catching device favoured by rat-murdering (s)ex-pests.
  • Buckfast- Highly toxic, syrupy alcohlic drink from Devon. Consdiered to be one of the "five a day" in Scotland.
  • Buffoon End - A type of person capable of bizarre and inexplicable behaviour, such as entering one's own name into a "Swear Filter" (From an obscure Northamptonshire dialect).


Someone increasing the value of their car by at least £3700, yesterday (see "Comedian Lee Evans")
  • Cack Fisted Ruinings - Working title for business established by Bedward (qv) specialising in the purchase of knackered old cars that have been clattered by a van, faffing about with them for a bit, then realising the entire chassis is bent and their endeavours have therefore been a total waste of time. Alternative working title: Complete Mongs Motor Services.
  • Cancer causer - A car that runs on diesel. A filthy fuel that simply isn't fit for gentlemen.
  • Canley Knacker - See "Belsen"
  • Caper - A MacDroitwich trip away. Typically notable for laughter, drinking and (ideally) someone haranguing a French band with muso-baffling demands for obscure cover versions.
  • Cash Converters - Litigious latter-day pawnshops, exclusively located in knife crime and teenage pregnancy hotspots. A useful place of relief when gastro-intestinal distress strikes. See also Knee cap finance
  • Cat - Something which it is NOT PERMISSIBLE to discuss on MacDroitwich without causing a big argument.
  • Catgate - The reason that it is NOT PERMISSIBLE to discuss cats on MacDroitwich.
  • "Cats" - Euphemism for football much used amongst the Buckfast-sodden members of MacDroitwich.
  • CCC - Crap Car Caper. A trip away in pursuit of a free/cheap bit of CLASS (qv).
  • Cheque of the Future - One of the Official Currencies of MacDroitwich. Like a postal order. The only way to pay B&Q for your bathroom suite.
  • China Car Times - Ineptly-run Eastern automobile website famed for stealing its woeful content almost entirely from MacDroitwich.
  • ChodRover - See CityRover.
  • CityRover - Re-badged Tata Indica which, depending on your view point, is either the greatest car The Firm ever sold or catastrophic heap of shite that disgraced the dying days of the company we love. Now available almost exclusively as a Cat D write-off via eBay.
  • CLASS - A vehicle manufactured by BMC or one of its successors.
  • CLASS-Spot - The sheer delight of spotting a piece of CLASS and electronically capturing an image of it.
  • Clit-Cars - Brit-Cars. A forum which rose majestically from the ashes of XPowerForums, became rampantly over-moderated and then sank without trace.
  • Clown's Shoe – BMW Z3
  • Clubfoot – BMW Mini Clubman. Absurd and largely pointless variant of the BINI (qv) with RHD-unfriendly suicide rear door further demonstrating BMW's contempt for the British Empire.
  • Cock Piss Average - An amusing* phrase, even though nobody can remember why it was invented.
  • Cock Piss Partridge - As written by Austin-Towers on the side of Alex Wedge's Rover 800. Shamelessly copied by the BBC for I'm Alan Partridge.
  • Codgermatic – Automatic gearbox. See also Iranian Woman.
  • "Comedian Lee Evans" – Rubber faced television comedian scientifically proven to increase the value of an otherwise worthless automobile by at least £3700 through the simple act of autographing its bonnet, a phenomenon first observed on a Metro Development Hack for sale on eBay.
  • Concrete – A building material that must be transported in a specialist vehicle. Unless you are some bellend called "Olympic", in which case you can get it to where it's needed simply by having it pumped directly into the boot - yes, the fucking BOOT - of your Rover 800.
  • Constant prick, A – Descriptor once applied to Benny (see SWEATY CREASE), notable for its harshness and its accuracy.
  • .cult – The website. Hilariously over-moderated discussion forum set-up and later sold by stuttering avarice enthusiast The Reverend Childs (see PEOPLE). Once thriving, now sinking fast but still the place to go if you want something "locked" and "tidied".
  • Cund – A polite way of saying 'cunt'. It is a little known fact that the word 'cunt' is actually quite rude and one should avoid calling someone a 'cunt' unless one really thinks that they are a 'cunt'.
  • Cunt – Just a word on a screen and one freely usable on MacDroitwich. If you can get around the filter.
  • Cunt's Car - Porsche Cayenne, Audi Q7, Volkswagen Toerag, BMW X5 and X6. Also some of the recent, sadly misguided Solihull offerings, especially when "optimised" by the great* Kahn.


  • Data protection act, The - Complex legislation governing the handling of personal information, incorrectly wielded like a blunt instrument of spasticity by the moderators of .cult (qv) in an attempt to justify their cack handed control freakery.
  • Dead hand - Institutionalised censorship (sometimes referred to as "moderation") on other, lesser forums. From a Michael Edwardes (see HEROES) reference in Back From The Brink to "the dead hand of corporate control".
  • Decent folk - They want no part of this. See DFWNPOT.
  • Desk Fan - Originally designed as a handy device for the cooling and ventilation of office environments, later revealed to be something Lord Sward (see POOHOLE) enjoys smashing his face into for reason that are, as yet, unclear.
  • DFWNPOT - Decent folk want no part of this. Standard response given by Funf (see PEOPLE) to developments of an especially disgusting nature such as filth, moral turpitude and the colour of Towers' hair.
  • Diseasal - See Cancer Causer.
  • Diversity Training - The sanction imposed on those who use the Q-word. Or the S-word. Or the M-word. Or many of the other words commonly used on MacDroitwich.
  • DIA - "Doing It Again" An idiot's response to a particularly informative* and factual* statement.
  • Drive like Pearly - To drive in the style of Alf "Pearly" Barnet (see PEOPLE) i.e. as if you have suddenly been rendered blind and epileptic, leaving a trail of bent cars behind you.
  • DLAC - To Drive Like a cunt.
  • D.S. - Daft spastic. An inoffensive term applied to the foolish or stupid. e.g. Someone who assumes that the best way to "clean" a car is with a rattle can (qv).
  • DSC - Dave Seamaster Caps. See Seamaster caps (qv).
  • Dummy-spitter - Someone who fails to understand MacDroitwich humour and leaves in a huff, slamming the door behind them. Their loss.
  • Duchess, The - Austin Montego VDP given to Mac5 (see PEOPLE) by Droitwich Lloyd (see PEOPLE). Now sold. One time vehicular heir apparent to the position of Official MacDroitwich Chariot.
  • Durg - What one would call a domestic canine if everything one said was basically "just noise".


  • Ear hair - Unpleasant auditory sprouting often sported by tedious devotees of the Sherpa Coupe (qv) and its ilk.
  • Emmanuelle - Manual gearbox. Antonym of Codgermatic (qv).
  • Enemy occupiers - A foreign car company that has taken over a former outpost of CLASS (qv). For example, the BMW occupation of Longbridge. Or the BMW occupation of Stalag Oxford (qv).
  • "Etching a refulgent future" - Wonderfully inspiring former MacDroitwich masthead, borrowed from the Tata Motors website.


The Flying Arsehole, yesterday
  • Fat Margaret – Overweight, dyed-blonde woman of advancing years living under the delusion that ownership of a German, Swedish, or French open-topped car complete with Retard numberplate (qv) is the very elixir of youth and beauty.
  • Fenwick's window - Glass frontage of a Newcastle-based department store and the place where Seamaster (see PEOPLE) promises to bare his arse when Austin-Towers (see PEOPLE) buys an MG3.
  • FigLeaf - See HH-R Forum.
  • Fisheries Ian - Inadvertent label given to Droitwich Lloyd (see PEOPLE) following an unexplained malfunction of this very wiki.
  • Five shillings - Standard penalty for CLASSspot (qv) unaccompanied by photographic evidence.
  • The Firm - Catch-all name referring to BMC, its corporate ancestors, descendants and constituent companies.
  • Flying Arsehole - Affectionate name for British Leyland corporate logo. It is a little known fact that the last car to sport the logo was a then-new Toyota Aygo on display at the Paris Auto Salon, inadvertently inspiring the piss poor Aston Martin Cygnet in the process.
  • FNiMN - Friday Night is Music Night. A MacDroitwich tradition in which the end of the working week is celebrated by the exchange of (often themed) musical YouTubery.
  • FNiSWN - Friday Night is Suicide Watch Night. Term invoked when a MacDroitwich member is suffering the stresses of the world, possibly whilst feeling tired & emotional (qv).
  • Fnu! - see
  • Football - see Cats.
  • Football socks wearing friend - Any young 'friend' of Droitwich Lloyd (see PEOPLE), inspired by male model Arno Galmarini.
  • Footballers’ Grans – A Fat Margaret (qv) but with bigger, shinier wheels.
  • Foren – Foreign. (© THE SCOTH)
  • FQME – Fully qualified marine engineer. An highly esteemed nautical qualification held by MacDroitwich's own Benny "R6Man" Adams (see HEAVY SOILING).
  • Front-wheel-drive power oversteer – Literally impossible tail-happy handling trait displayed by front-wheel-drive cars when they are being driven by Lord Sward (see POOPHOLE).
  • Fruit Coat – Apple Macintosh computer system.
  • FTB – For The Bin. As in, not FTW.
  • FTW – For The Win. Yep.
  • Fucking childish twat – Remarkably accurate label applied to ba_barabus (see ILLITERATE RETARDS) following an altercation on the MG Motor (UK) Facebook page.
  • FWDPO – See front-wheel-drive power oversteer


Greek Al (centre) relaxing with the large print edition of Dr Moulton's designs
  • Garage Talk - Online discussion of mechanical minutiae.
  • Gas Board, The - Official body to whom all complaints should be directed, about anything.
  • Gas of CLASS, The – Hydragas. Outstanding motorcar suspension medium invented by Alex Moulton, CBE. An outstanding concept, especially when executed by MG Rover engineering genius Rob Oldaker. Now courted by Toyota no less. See also Hydraspastic.
  • Gastro-intestinal distress - A sudden attack of faecal urgency, the rapid arrival of which provides the only sensible justification for entering a branch of Cash Converters (qv). Unless you really enjoy perusing stolen goods.
  • Gaydon-by-the-Bins - The Heritage Motor Centre museum in Warwickshire. An epithet coined to acknowledge their shoddy insistence on storing priceless CLASS (qv) in a manky yard round the back, unprotected from the elements.
  • Geoff - Hoon. FORMER Labour Minister of Parliament for Ashfield. Home of The Scoth (see PEOPLE)
  • Glenn Roberts - The kind of man who puts his own name into a swear filter. See Dave Seamaster.
  • GIB - Get it bought. A rallying cry directed towards anyone displaying even the slightest interest in a car which is for sale. Does not work on Lord Sward (see PEEPHOLE).
  • giz's work car park - Badly secured area of hard standing from which unwanted cars will magically disappear. Remember, if the insurance company asks, there is NO CCTV.
  • GM - 1. General Motors, the nationalised US car company now officially turning into American Leyland; 2. Grunting mong (qv)
  • God's Own Country - Anywhere North of London, particularly Newcastle.
  • "Going bang" - What MacDroitwich was "on the edge of" according to an unusually prescient declaration made by Pearly Elphick (see PEOPLE) some years ago.
  • Gollwng Drwnc Acha Chuan - The second most popular game show in Wales. Might have something to do with owls.
  • Google - Popular internet search engine which CANNOT be used in the People's Republic of China, thereby forcing its residents into other activities such as bellendic hooker missiles and 200 mile piss leakage.
  • GR7 - Not quite GREAT
  • GR8 - GREAT
  • GR9 - Better than GREAT
  • GR* - Even better than Better than GREAT
  • Grim North - Anything North of, well, London. Home of whippets, flat caps, warm bitter and cheaper labour prices. The heartland of MacDroitwich.
  • Grunting mong - A mindless oaf. Also see Austin-Towers (see PEOPLE)
  • GTF - Get To Fuck. Abrasive rebuttal of criticism and one of only four things ever posted on MacDroitwich by Lord Sward (see PEOPLE). See also Aye; VAG SHITE; Tim, can you ring me.
  • Gumtree - Popular classified advertising website which, according to Benny (see STICKY RESIDUE), should not be used for car purchases unless you want to be murdered.


  • Half rice, half chips - To play from both ends of the pitch. A mandatory requirement for all members of the MacDroitwich moderation team.
  • Hamilton - Academical Football Club.
  • "Has it got air-con?" - Always the first question Alex 'Wedge' (see PEOPLE) asked about any car for sale.
  • HAT - Because hate is such a strong word.
  • HATTER of Freedom - A person who isn't comfortable with unmoderated websites. Or MacDroitwich.
  • Heritage - An example of a minor inconvenience typically displayed by CLASS. As in "My Rover Tomcat is suffering from HERITAGE. It appears to have had a complete head gasket failure".
  • HH-R Forum - Piss-sodden and barely used discussion hub for Rover's least interesting car.
  • Highly Advanced Honda Legend - The full and correct name for the ever-popular, technology-packed Honda Legend.
  • "Hundreds of emails" – A possibly fictitious claim of public outcry used whenever an embarrassing U-turn has been effected.
  • HWKA - HE WILL KILL AGAIN. A tabloid headline we have loved.
  • Hydraspastic - Hydrolastic or Hydragas suspension system. See also The Gas of CLASS
  • HYEKAG? - Have you ever kissed a girl? A pointed repost to moments of excessive nerdishness, although one that may fall wide of the mark on MacDroitwich since it is famously "full of queers" (qv).


  • Ipclass Files - Extensive top secret dossiers held by Lord Sward (see PIMPHOLE) detailing where MG Rover and its forebears buried the bones, the bodies and the billions.
  • Ipcunt Files - Private message files downloaded from the old Supercover forum by Austin-Towers and sent to Lord Sward to prove that Alex 'Wedge' was planning his oft-denied forum for piss-sodden Rover fans.
  • Instant Winter Button - Air conditioning. (© Rhyds)
  • Iranian Woman - Automatic gearbox. Derived from news that one of Iran's motor makers intended to feature this type of transmission in a new model aimed specifically at ladies.
  • ITTSG? - Is that thing still going?


  • J4 Clubman - See Sherpa.
  • Jaguar S-type - Mid-range example of Leaping Cat CLASS (qv), an Alpine Green example of which caused significant torsion of the testes for Lord Sward (see PISSPOLE) as it took root on his showroom floor for several months, nay years, before being sold.
  • Japanese Mercedes - A Lexus. Preferably an LS400. The smaller ones aren't that good. Although come to think of it, the old IS200 wasn't bad, image aside.
  • JeRovers Witness - A Rover enthusiast with no discernible sense of humour, usually as a result of joining the .CULT (qv).
  • JIOSO - JOIN IN or SHIT OFF- Pete's standard answer to anyone who DOESN'T GET IT and ruins the fun* for everyone else.
  • JVC Turbo - See Turbo Sport JVC Edition


  • Ket - Confectionery, particularly that of a substandard nature. Not to be confused with yoof killer death drug Ketamine.
  • KFWs - Keep Fit Windows.
  • King of V6 - An epithet applied to the KV6 engine by the Belarusian arm of MG Motor Factor & Poisonous Monkey System. They also believe that this engine has 'variable valve timing'. Ergo, they might not know what they're talking about.
  • Kittan - The Reliant Kitten. Four-wheeled derivative of the Reliant Robin, under-appreciated by both the British and the Indians (as the Sipani Dolphan) yet heartily endorsed by the deific genius of The Scoth (see PEOPLE). Many have now been insensitively "upgraded" by BUFFOON ENDS who do not appreciate that the only worthwhile Kittan improvement is the fitment of the 2294cc TRIPPEL from the Triumph Rocket III.
  • KL - King's Lynn. North Norfolk market town in which MacDroitwichian may congregate to visit an auction of old tat and then get ratfaced. Not to be confused with the other KL, Kuala Lumpur. That would be SILLY.
  • Knee cap finance - Purchasing method for viewers of Trisha and Jeremy Kyle. Underwritten by Carol Vorderman's millions.
  • KV6 Beta - Early and extremely fragile version of Rover's KV6 engine, as fitted to the Rover 825 for final development testing by the customer.


  • Land grab - The act of fencing-off large chunks of unclaimed real estate adjacent to one's house and claiming it as one's own private grounds. As successfully executed by Lord Sward (see POOHOLE) to quadruple the size of his front garden.
  • League of Extraordinary Ballbags, The - MacDroitwich masthead elect.
  • Lee Evans - See "Comedian Lee Evans"
  • LDV - A troupe of Local Defence Volunteers who tried to maintain an air of normality at a West Midlands van manufactory.
  • Likey - Opposite of HAT (qv)
  • Little Tank - Mercedes A-class.
  • Load Testing - The act of inhabiting another forum until the moderators have a meltdown.
  • London Village - A place where people go to be mugged, ignored and unappreciated. Situated close to Backstabbing Central and Shattered-Dreams Parkway.
  • Longbridge Tunnel, The - 1. Subterranean passageway beneath the former Austin factory in South Birmingham, fulfilling a variety of roles over time including aircraft engine assembly plant, air raid shelter and car storage facility. 2. Secret MacDroitwich forum upon which the management team may swap theories about who is trying to overthrow them.
  • Lord Tebbit's Father - The moral compass of MacDroitwich. An inspiration to us all. Or at least to Dave Seamaster (see PEOPLE)
  • Lynx - A word which the Dutch overlords of PHPBBer (qv) chose to censor, for reasons known only to themselves. Perhaps they didn't like reference to a stillborn TR7-based coupe. Or perhaps they were just massively high on drugs again.


A scene from the amusing television programme that rejuvenated the word 'spastic' for all of us.
  • "MacDroitwich favourite" - Any car that Dave Seamaster likes. Usually something Malaysian and dreadful. Or the Pristro (qv). Either way, usually liked by Dave Seamaster and only Dave Seamaster.
  • MacDroitits - Increasingly flaccid man boobs much seen amongst the congregation at capers. (qv)
  • Maestro 4x4 - The first generation Land Rover Freelander
  • "Make your own fun" - See Solitary vice (qv).
  • Maserati - Cereal box shaped Italian exotica that famously "Does 185"... miles between engine rebuilds. Purchasing one is an easier path to penniless vagrancy than deciding to drink meths for breakfast.
  • "Mechanical failure" - Motor trade euphemism for what happens to a diesel vehicle when it is inadvertently filled with petrol by a big spastic. See Lord Sward.
  • Melvilled - Drunk.
  • Mentalist - A big spastic (qv).
  • Metro Development Hack - Mini
  • MG BBS - MG Bulletin Boards. Hoary old BBS system, mostly populated by Septics (qv) who listen to Radio 4 online whilst stripping Lucas dynamos. Scintillating sub-forums such as '1100/1300 Sports Sedans' have the power to make you weep with boredom.
  • Midget Hearse - ALLAGGRO Estate.
  • "Mike Homo" - Inexplicable nickname given by Spanish lunatic Mark Gomez to his "tastefully modified" K-series Tomcat.
  • "Minter" - Slang word that typically denotes a second hand car in excellent condition, unless you are giz (see PEOPLE) in which case "minter" inadvertently means a total crock in an advanced state of malfunction which, contra to your well-meaning beliefs, cannot be rescued simply by giving it "a clean".
  • Moaners’ club - Owners’ club. A society whose aim is to draw together ear-hair (qv) sporting devotees of the Sherpa Coupe (qv) for the purposes of furthering related tedium and pedantry.
  • Moderator Of The General Assembly Of The Church Of Scotland, The - The answer to many things on MacDroitwich. Not necessarily the right answer but the answer that is given nonetheless.
  • Mongley, Spaz - See Spaz Mongley
  • MossTech - Mythical tuning company specialising in Rover 800 customisation, in particular the application of a Brillo pad to the paintwork, the affixing of an horrendous bodykit to the lower portions, and the replacement of the electric seat controls with the buttons from a 1980s Atari games console. Surprisingly modest about their work, often obscuring existing photographs of previous projects with a big blue box (qv) containing some sort of deranged slogan.
  • Mother said there'd be jealousy - A sharp repost usually aimed at a fellow MacDroitwichian who has pointed out one of Droitwich Lloyd's (rare) mistakes.
  • Moulton juice - Stella Artois. Previously yobbish fizzy beer-style drink, suddenly rendered gentlemanly and delightful by the surprising patronage of the eponymous suspension guru. Perhaps he likes it because it contains a lot of gas.
  • Mourns, A Nation - What a country is apt to do upon the receipt of bad news.
  • M. Poppins Esq - Image and link tidying fairy. Mostly Dave Seamaster (see PEOPLE) in a tutu.
  • "Mr Tappy" - Name given by scuba_dave (see PEOPLE) to his sledgehammer. Worth remembering for when the police want to ask you a few questions.
  • MSG6 - A lazily re-heated Chinese takeaway that will almost certainly result in gasto-intestinal distress (qv).
  • MSG Flea - Spiritual successor to the MG Metro and leading source of FNU!
  • Muddy - Rusty. As in "Have you been offroading in your Metro? The rear arches look rather muddy"
  • "Mugged or not appreciated" - Frying pan/fire duopoly of fates that will befall a person if they venture to London Village, at least according to Alan Partridge. And most of MacDroitwich.
  • Mushroom pasta bake - A food item which must be consumed on the day of cooking. Unless you are Benny (see MOIST NOISE) in which case it is perfectly acceptable to wait three days before wolfing down a left-over family sized portion as long as you blame the subsequent attack of gastro-intestinal distress (qv) on an inadequate refrigerator.


  • Nelson - Product Knowledge (PK). Derived from the name of racing driver Nelson PK. See also peer kia.
  • Neon - 1. Miserable, low-rent American saloon car and one-time favoured transport of a Mackem Spacker. 2. Expression of almighty shitness or misfortune. e.g. "Oh damn, I've just stepped in a Neon".
  • Nettie - A water closet. (© Lord Sward)
  • NLA - No Longer Available. As in, "Sorry, those major parts you wanted for your Rover 800 are NLA. Why not simply use the buttons from an Atari console instead, you big mentalist"
  • Nun ur buisess - Standard answer when asked what one does for a living.
  • Nonego - Austin Montego. Or just "Montego" if you're Graham Day and you think that cars don't need marque names. In which case you may also have a beard.


  • Of - Preposition used to indicate origin, cause, apposition, identity, possession, inclusion, objective relationship, component parts, distance from or specific qualities. Not to be used as a synonym for ‘have’ unless you are a blarneytard (qv)
  • "Of a substandard nature" - A considered opinion of MacDroitwich offered by Mr Jerry Flint (see PEOPLE).
  • Old Knacker - Morris Minor
  • Old Knacker Clubman - Morris Marina
  • OKSVOC - Old Knacker Spoils View Of CLASS. A pleasing photographic reproduction in which CLASS (qv) features in a multi-layered effect. To the foreground will be an Old Knacker (qv), with other CLASS (qv) featuring less-than-prominently. Should not be confused with CLASS-spots (qv) taken by Mac5 (see PEOPLE), which also feature less-than-prominent CLASS purely as a result of laziness.
  • Oramge - The colour orange, as recorded by MG's ever-competent brochure writing department.
  • Overspray - Traces of paint on the plastic exterior trim of a car as a result of inadequate masking during a crude re-spray. A hallmark of inept rattle can (qv) useage.


  • P.K. - Product Knowledge. The ability to recite in-depth technical and trim specifications of all products made by The Firm (qv) without recourse to notes or other literature. Also known as Nelson (qv). See also peer kia.
  • Panadol - Porsche Panamera.
  • Part of this - What decent folk do not want. See DFWNPOT.
  • PCD100160 - The answer to life, the universe and everything. May also be the part number of the pressure cap fitted to the expansion tank of almost every vehicle The Firm ever made.
  • Peer kia - A way of pronouncing P.K. (qv) if most of what you say is, for the typical listener, "just noise".
  • People are so, so kind - Polite acknowledgement of praise when modesty and manners prevent further comment, lest one appear big headed. Derived from the observations of "a jobbing actress who scraped to put herself through the RADA".
  • PGVFS - Panel gaps visible from space. A miserable reminder of shoddy assembly standards and/or cheaply tooled plastic moulds, as seen in abundance on later examples of the Rover 75 and MG ZT.
  • PHACT! - Like a fact, but better.
  • Pharmaceutical refreshment - Soft drugs
  • PHPBBer – The current hosting facility for MacDroitwich. Formerly Netherlands-based mentalists who appeared to be too busy watching animal porn and getting wrecked on skunk to provide any kind of user support. Thought a "backup" was some kind of balls-deep (qv) dirtiness. Now Korean-based mentalists who appear to be too busy scoffing hot spaniel burgers and confecting strange adverts for baby clothes to make a forum work properly. Hence
  • PLESK 9 - Vastly superior to PLESKS 1 to 8.
  • PLESK 10 - Replacement for the erstwhile PLESK 9. So good that it CANNOT be deleted. At all. Ever.
  • Pooass Y Bat Turds - See Shit On The Bat
  • Post, you BASTARDS - A précis of the rallying war cry from Mr Jerry Flint (see PEOPLE) urging people to post on his exhumed MG forum. Didn't work.
  • Practical Poultry - Practical Classics magazine. So called for reasons that aren't entirely clear. Can someone else fill in this bit please?
  • Pristro - The Toyota Prius. Japanese hybrid automobile much enjoyed by cheapskate tax dodgers and faux rabbis.
  • Pumping - See balls-deep.


  • Quavers - Food substance bought in bulk by Pete Disgusted (see PEOPLE) for personal consumption in precisely weighed quantities.
  • Queers - Term used by dummy-spitting, comedy Yorkshireman, Mr Jerry Flint (see PEOPLE) to describe the sexual tastes of those who post on MacDroitwich.
  • QueerCurry - A phrase coined by Lord Sward (see POOPHOE) to describe Indian food that does not conform to his bizarre personal benchmarks for curry formulation and presentation. See boiled egg and raspberry yoghurt (cooked).


  • R# - The letter R followed by a number is the development code system used for Rover models. It is AN PHACT that the lower the number, the better the car.
  • Raggy - Value Added Tax. As in, "How much is that Rover 75?" "It's up for £425.53... and the raggy"
  • Railway Embankments - A place where pornography could be obtained for free before the internet was invented.
  • Rainman - The Adamscart (see PEOPLE)
  • Raspberry yoghurt (cooked) - Fruity dairy product, bafflingly deemed an acceptable ingredient for use in Indian food by Lord Sward (see POOHOLES). See also boiled egg on a curry.
  • Rattle Can - Aerosol-based paint. As in "Why wash and polish a car when you can simply rattle can the whole thing back to brand new?" As favoured by Benny "R6Man" Adams (see RECTAL PROLAPSE) who boldly employed this valeting technique on his Rover 800 without recourse to masking tape, thereby leading to an hilarious amount of overspray (qv).
  • Real World, The - An unpleasant place; you wouldn't like it.
  • Retard numberplates - Personalised registration plates, especially those which don't make a word or phrase unless misread, misspelt or misaligned; e.g. N100LAH purportedly meaning Nicola H on a car driven by a man. Often used by BMW owners to conceal the actual age of their Bavarian Granada (qv)
  • RFTH - Run for the hills. The correct response to a car buying question such as "Hey, I hear Cack Fisted Ruinings (qv) has got a Metro GTa for sale. Do you think I should make them an offer?"
  • Rhyds-marks - Spent rubber from tyres, ingrained onto a road surface. Similar to skid-marks, but more intense. And Welsh.
  • Rimming Brothers - Rimmer Brothers. Vendors of spare parts for machines of CLASS. Unless it's electric seat controls you're after, in which case why not simply buy an old Atari console off eBay you big mentalist.
  • Road Champs - A brand of tyre popular with certain MacDroitwichians. Mainly those unconcerned with mere trifles such as 'grip' and 'not crashing'.
  • RONG - Like 'wrong', but even wronger.
  • Rover 200/400 Owners' Club - What? There's a Rover 200/400 Owners' Club? WHO KNEW? Someone should have publicised it or something.
  • Rovercaust - The Final Solution administered by BMW to Rover during the occupation
  • Rovercaust Deniers - Members of a certain web based forum who claim the Rovercaust never happened.
  • Row of five - A feature of well specified Rover 75s in which the switch bank below the air-conditioning controls contains the maximum five buttons. Typically this would comprise heated seats x2, electric rear sunblind, cruise control and traction control. Possible substitutions include Trafficmaster / Smartnav and the famous John Nettles or You Have Reversed Into Something Sensors buttons, although these are less likely on account of being made-up bollocks. Row of five was an obsession of evicted MacDroitwichian Alex 'Wedge' in his ongoing quest to talk about Rover 75s without actually buying one.


The SpastoMaxi, yesterday.
  • Salty - Overpriced. As in, "£850 for a Rover 75 held together with Velcro? That's a bit salty"
  • - Sadly defunct website dedicated to the world's greatest duopoly of automotive titans, the Yugo Sana and the Sao Penza. Also, Reliant Kittens. Boasted a stirring masthead featuring a picture of the wrong car and some text that didn't fit properly and was such a massive success it was eventually shut down.
  • Scotherniser™, The - Mythical machine designed to convert normal text into barely comprehensible genius.
  • Scrap - The residual value of an MG Rover that is anything other than perfect (i.e. in better condition than when it left the factory).
  • "Scrap it" - Default MacDroitwichian response upon being presented with an image of or information about any car, no matter what the condition, provenance or desirability.
  • SD3 - Best car in the real world. Assuming you are Hyacinth Bucket (or her husband, Richard).
  • SEAMASTER CAPS - Public school "bully boy" tactic for getting your point across. TRADEMARKED.
  • "Self absorbed organist" - Splendidly waspish epithet plagiarised by the Adamscart (qv) to describe a leading MacDroitwich legend.
  • Semenmaster - An hilarious retort conceived by (C)Rockdude (see PEOPLE).
  • Septic - Our American cousins.
  • Sex guru - See Benny "R6Man" Adams(see RUNNY FART).
  • Shabby Nazi Trick, A - Opinion oft expressed by Capt. Mainwaring of the Walmington-On-Sea Home Guard platoon on learning that BMW sales have risen again.
  • "Shaking pebbles out of your shoe" - Strange euphemism for having a shit once used by Rhyds. Mind you, he is Welsh.
  • Sheefag's Corner - Accident hotspot where cars may be parked in order to convert them into cash courtesy of your chosen insurance company. Similar to giz's work car park (qv).
  • Sherpa - Stop-gap mid-'70s commercial vehicle reverse-engineered from the MGB with a budget of about 37½ pence. Poor man's JU. Muych enjoyed by The Scoth (see PEOPLE) though it's possible he's referring to a late '90s Rolls Royce.
  • Sherpa Coupe - MGB GT
  • Sherpa DHC - MGB
  • Shillings - What you will be fined five of, for posting a CLASS-spot (qv) or OKSVOC (qv) unaccompanied by a photograph.
  • Shit On The Bat - Also known as Pooass Y Bat Turds (qv). The most popular TV game show in Wales. Extremely DISTURBING.
  • Shit Princess - See Ambastardor.
  • Sh-Ital - The Morris Ital. A car that was NOT styled in Italy.
  • Shitfaced - Melvilled (qv), but to a greater degree.
  • Shite Box - A unique MacDroitwich feature offering rolling bollocks of no consequence on the understanding that it quickly gets deleted. Except that it doesn't. Twitter Development Hack. Probably.
  • Shwanking - To engage in the solitary pleasures of growing a tail and bashing the bishop AT THE SAME TIME. The sole reason given by Dave Seamaster (see PEOPLE) for purchasing an Apple iPad.
  • Sitges Of The North, The - Catalan beauty spot analogue applied by MacDroitwich's Dave Seamaster to the harbour town of Seaham. Although Seaham is in the North East so, let's be honest, it's not going to be that nice.
  • SMF1 - A polite request issued upon reaching disagreement in which one party calls for the other to perform upon them the act of fellatio. Or, if you will, to "suck my fat one".
  • Sniff Petrol - Car-based website once noted for producing excellent guerilla adverts for MG Rover products. Officially not as funny as it used to be.
  • Solitary vice - The pursuit of gratification through self-pollution. The lone hobby of Captain Slow (see PEOPLE)
  • SORTEC - A term used when a car has been absolutely perfected, usually involving a re-arranged Escort badge attached to the inlet manifold.
  • South Pork Ranch - The official MacDroitwich campsite on the Average Farm.
  • Spastic - see Mentalist
  • SpastoMaxi - Astonishingly awful Austin Maxi spotted for sale on eBay, sporting comically oversized 'badging' on the tailgate and hilarious amounts of overspray (qv) on the wheels.
  • SpastoRover - An R17 800 with the bonnet and grille of an XX-era car grafted on. You might think such a design hybrid would be a delighted to behold. You would be very much mistaken.
  • Spaz Mongley - Alter ego of "evicted" MacDroitwich stalwart Alex "Wedge" (see PEOPLE) although one that, inexplicably, he was never especially keen to use. See also Alan Asby.
  • Speaked - To have conversed with another person, in particular "the woman".
  • Sport Spack - The engineering term for gluing oversized plastic arches onto a Metro Development Hack (qv), thus increasing its value by £3700 whilst at the same time completely ruining its looks, performance and handling.
  • Squirts (turdy) - see gastro intestinal distress, mushroom pasta bake
  • Stafford Coachworks - Mythical North West Midlands carrozzeria specialising in rattle can (qv) artistry.
  • Staffordshire Wrist Syndrome - Inflammation of the area connecting the hand to the arm which render the sufferer unable to wear a watch. Typically caused by inept car restoration projects and prolonged bouts of furious masturbation.
  • Stalag Oxford - Cowley factory, currently occupied by enemy manufacturer.
  • Steering column through the eye - Fate that befalls the driver of a CityRover during any impact above 5mph. Below 5mph the car just gets a dent in the back door and becomes a Cat D write off on eBay.
  • Stuttgart Beetle - Porsche 911
  • - One time standby forum for when PHPBBer (qv) failed to proceed. Became a place of sanctuary when MacDroitwichians became tired of the erratic performance of the main site, ultimately forcing the terrified moderation team to have it closed down. Promptly re-opened only to become infested with Bennys. Currently re-directs to a Facebook page about the MG3. FNU!
  • SwardCover - A motor vehicle warranty applied to all cars sold by Lord Sward (see POOSHOLE) for owners' 'peace of mind'
  • SwardPart - Quality motor car parts at trade prices dispatched by Royal Mail. Or so he says.
  • SwardNav - An analogue version of satellite navigation, but devastatingly more effective. Especially useful for locating CLASS spots (qv) and pubs.
  • Sward's 29th Birthday - An event that has taken place every year since 1992.
  • Sward + IT = Disaster - A common cry made by other MacDroitwich members when Lord Sward (see PEEPHOLES) attempts to link to pictures or other websites on MacDroitwich. It's said there are photos of the most secret prototypes ever made by The Firm (qv) stored on his camera, if only he knew how to get them off again.
  • Sward's mind - A place where mythical things are invented such as front-wheel-drive power oversteer (qv) and ULTRAWASPS. Although not, as it turns out, the HH-R Forum. That was real.
  • Swardioporosis - Undocumented medical condition causing weakness of the wrists.


They're not really called 'Scum Clarks BMW'. See 'Toot's justice'
  • TADT,S! - See They all do that, sir!
  • Tea - A drink that a gentleman might offer to serve his guests (esp. after a long journey). Also served during any MacDroitwich discussion of computers or technology to keep Lord Sward quiet. See Tea anyone?
  • "Tea anyone?" - A polite way of silencing a dull I.T. discussion.
  • Tea Drought - A severe lack of tea in a region, particularly prevalent in London, Sussex, and Staffordshire.
  • They all do that, sir! - Jovial riposte designed to reassure a prospective buyer that the Heritage (qv) displayed by his vehicle is nothing to worry about. In fact it is to be celebrated.
  • Tim, can you ring me - Faux Harry Potter-related telephonic request and one of only four things ever posted on MacDroitwich by Lord Sward (see PEOPLE). See also aye; GTF; VAG SHITE.
  • Tired & emotional - Pissed in a dour way.
  • TLC - 1. Popular beat trio from the late 20th century, notable largely for the incomparable and sadly-missed Lisa 'Left-Eye' Lopez. 2. Widely-used acronym for 'traitors, liars and cunts'. 3. Indefinable commodity required to restore terminally muddy (qv) eBay or Car & Classic offering to concours condition. Not to be confused with TLAC (qv).
  • THISITH - The Heritage Is Safe In Their Hands. Endorsement of the ongoing incompetence displayed by MG Hot Duck Motor System (UK) Ltd.
  • TMFM - Too Much Fucking Money. Dismissal of massively overpriced CLASS (qv) offered for sale on eBay or other means.
  • Toffee - The very definition of HARD WORK
  • Toot's Justice - The act of taking paint destined for a BINI (qv) prototype and using it to scrawl 'SCUM' onto the totem pole outside a BMW dealer in Reddich during the retreat of the enemy occupiers (qv).
  • Top Gear - Telly tax funded light entertainment program that sometimes features automobiles.
  • Toyota - Oriental Car Manufacturer. Creator of the Pristro (qv) and employer of Bob (see PEOPLE).
  • Triumph Rocket III - Egregious two-wheeled death machine, notable only as the potential donor of the finest engine never to have powered a Reliant Kittan (qv).
  • Turbo Sport JVC Edition - An extremely rare limited edition, first witnessed on a Metro Development Hack (qv) for sale on eBay. Any Turbo Sport JVC Edition is worth at least £1250 more than the standard model upon which it is based.
  • Turdy Squirts Engineering - The ideal name for any CLASS (qv) maintenance and restoration business based in Wales.


A rare Turbo Sport JVC Edition
  • Unique MacDroitwich Feature - Forum facilities never before considered by mankind.
  • Unpleasantness, The - The collapse of MG Rover.
  • Upside down syndrome - A genetic disorder causing the sufferer to appear to have their head fitted the wrong way up. As demonstrated by Andycolm (see PEOPLE).
  • US-spec - see Useless shitpiece.
  • Useless shitpiece - Catch-all epithet for anyone believed to be sub-standard, incompetent or crass. Ironically, this term was invented by Lord Sward (see PEEEEPLE)


  • VAG SHITE - Concise dismissal of the Führer's enduring gift to the automotive world, and one of only four things ever posted on MacDroitwich by Lord Sward (see PEEPHOLE). See also aye; GTF; Tim, can you ring me.
  • Velcro - Ingenious hooks-and-loops-based fastening system used by Rover to hold together pre-production 75s.
  • VFM - Value For Money. As extolled by Patrick Mower in an old television advert using a Morris Ital as evidence.
  • VLG - Village Lane Garage. Home of Lord Sward (see PEEHOLE). Seller of high quality, sensibly priced cars. And a Jaguar S-type (qv). Eventually.
  • VAT - HMRC have no truck with Boots Vouchers so they're out of luck on this one. See also .CULT


  • Wanking on a Maestro - Probably best not to ask.
  • WCPGW - "What could possibly go wrong?" - A perfectly reasonable question to ask when considering purchasing BL/ARG/MGR tat such as a P38 Range Rover or a 1.8-litre Rover 75
  • Weak wrists - Feebleness of the lower forearm, rendering the sufferer unable to carry out simple tasks such as adjusting the steering column in a motor vehicle. See also Swardioporosis.
  • Weigh it in - See scrap it.
  • Welsh Tune-up - The act of giving a motor vehicle a damn good thrashing with the intention of eliminating any attacks of Heritage (q.v.).
  • Welsh Spanner - Hammer. Also, Rhyds (see PEOPLE).
  • Welsh Wales - The rural, hilly parts of North and West Wales. Prime Caper/AGM territory.
  • WDIAGW - "Where Did It All Go Wrong?" A plaintive cry used when considering the former glories of the BL Empire
  • WDYWFN? - "What Do You Want For Nowt?" - a catch-all explanation slash excuse for any deficiencies suffered by the MacDroitwich forum. See 'Heritage'.
  • What price CLASS? - Phrase used to describe a pointless quirk attached to an undesirable BMC>MGR product.
  • Whetherspones - The correct name for the cheapskates' pub chain J. D. Wetherspoon, as highlighted by The Scoth (see people).
  • Would - MacDroitwichian indication that one would like to kiss and cuddle a depicted lady. And fuck them.
  • WHAT? - Typical response to the incomprehensible spoon-playing drivel posted by Alf Barnet (see PEOPLE).
  • WHIBCAB - "Why have I been called a bigot?" The only reply when one is insulted by a member of Parliament.
  • WHIBTLAC - Polite acronym for "Why have I been treated like a cunt?"
  • Whinge - A word used to describe the vast majority of Alex Wedge's posts.
  • Why have I been treated like a cunt? - Aggrieved protestation at perceived injustice. First used by sozzled, failed Labour MP in YouTube clip that it may be legally dubious to link to. (NOT to be used in polite conversation.)


  • XPF - X Power Forums. In the beginning, etc. Set up by Mr Jerry Flint (see PEOPLE) for the sole purpose of filing updates on his trips to Costco in his Rover 75. Accidentally morphed into the greatest meeting of minds the BMC/BL/ARG fraternity has ever known. Until MacDroitwich. Spoilt only by a deplorable lack of attractive discount offers on Korean motoring cars. And Paul Flint buying a BINI (qv).
  • Xyclon 5 - Mischievous (if mispelt) gas chamber referencing Auto Poppins (qv) correction applied to the BMW X5.


  • YLYDBT - You've let yourself down badly there. Pointed reply to inattentive posting or link-based spasticity.
  • You Have Reversed Into Something Sensors - Like reverse parking sensors, except that they only begin beeping after you have clattered into a bin or a gate or a Peugeot or one of the other things Alex 'Wedge' (see PEOPLE) managed to twat into, arse-first.
  • You're... - Prefix by which a remark can be turned back on a person, in the manner of an increasingly tedious virtual mirror.
  • You're all bastards - The only appropriate response to on-line bully boys.
  • YWKA - See "HWKA".


  • Zed Cars - Collective term for the re-hashed. MG-badged hardcore Rovers released during the Phoenix era of The Firm (qv). A tremendous success, despite which the company still failed. The ZT 260 and ZS 180 will be future classics, assuming any survive. Which they probably won't. A salutary demonstration of what can be achieved by painting a car in loud primary colours, fitting an effective bodykit, adding Demon Tweaks rip-off alloys and then tearing out all the sound-proofing.

The MacDroitwich PEOPLE[edit]

Some MacDroitwich, yesterday
  • 620bob - Toyota operative, glove fetishist and quiet man, constantly in the throes of some recall-based snafu.
  • AdamsCart - Amiable proprietor of world's leading CLASS history website and the subject of much MacDroitwichian amusement, largely related to regular and repeated dummy spitting (qv).
  • Alex Wedge - Foolishly short-trousered and increasingly unhirsute Man Of Class, completely incapable of going a week without buying a Rover 800 and/or another Jaguar XJ40. Attempted to usurp MacDroitwich with laughable, piss-sodden HHR forum then came crawling back only to be summarily shitcanned. EVICTEE.
  • Alf Barnet - Microphone-headed trainset operative and one-man typhoon of flatulence. Writes and drives as if blissfully unaware that he has just suffered a massive stroke. Also known as Pearly and El Thick.
  • amtcoupe - Lakeland-dwelling Scotch. Believes 'chef' means 'man who works the microwave'.
  • andycolm - Faux rabbi famed for Prius-based economy lies and ample supplies of 'trunking'. Head appears to be on upsidedown.
  • ashmicro - Skeletal Michael Schumacher impersonator and MacDroitwich Ambassador To Northern Ireland. Might have a girlfriend thought it's impossible to tell since he never mentions it.
  • Austin-Towers - Carrot-topped skag fiend famed for MS Paint artistry and pointless ongoing project to catalogue every single car on the Welsh island of Anglesey. Barton Licker. Claims to be buying an MG3. The unacceptable face and hair of moderation. MODERATOR.
  • ba_barabus - Illiterate, blarneying, attention-seeking, barely-functioning retard who was lucky enough to be born in Ireland and is therefore considered a teacher. Famed for 'cable tied brake calliper' lies, tyre pressure gauge identity theft scam, comically piss-poor maternal artistry and strutting about as if he owns the place whilst contributing nothing of any merit whatsoever.
  • Benny "R6man1983" Adams - Almost perfectly spherical buffoon and one man maelstrom of half-baked, sub-Daily Mail opinions. A "natural" at selling cars but sadly not at parking them.
  • BIGGUNS - Confrontational, tenacious and quite staggeringly pointless flotsam bent on drizzling irrelevant piss across the internet for no reason other than to make himself look increasingly mental.
  • Captain Slow - Self-abuse enthusiast and possible paedo. Famed for claiming personal friendship with every Montego owner in Britain and resembling a sex-pest sales-rep from the 1980s. EVICTEE.
  • Celtica - Former owner of Green Oval CLASS, long since MIA.
  • Childs, Reverend - Spherical, VAT-phobic .cult founder. For the right price would sell his own children. But not his own lunch. He needs that.
  • Chemical Warfare - Mysterious far northern Thatcherism enthusiast.
An upsidedown headed man
  • Chris Baldry - Vauxhall loving trucker and tea drought (qv) detective. MIA.
  • dildostagedick - Youthful man of CLASS and unlikely pegging enthusiast. Chuckied up for an MG6, got some girl in the family way, found himself at a shotgun wedding. Been MIA ever since.
  • Disgusted - Affable car electronics expert, once barely visible sideways but now working on a stout set of MacDroitits (qv). Mostly MIA.
  • Doug - MacDroitwich Ambassador to France and founder of the wildly successful Sao Penza and Yugo Sana 1.4 Appreciation Society.
  • Droitwich Lloyd - Perma-tanned and implausibly pumped titular co-head of MacDroitwich. It's ALL about him...
  • Ducky - Bravely coiffed Man Of CLASS and keen fan of running around.
  • Ed - The "brains" behind the infamous rattle can (qv) attempt to "clean" R6man's XX and the chief "buyer" for Cack Fisted Ruinings (qv). Ergo, a fucking idiot.
  • FARNK - The Artist Formerly Known As Glyn Scothern. Also known as THE SCOTH, the Sage of Kirkby in Ashfield. Legendary contributor to other CLASS-related websites and forthrihgt sopkesman for the COMAN MAN. Famous for homespun common sense and almost poetic style of minimalist, syntactically unconventional wordsmithery. An under-rated, if sometimes barely comprehensible, man of genius.
  • Fünf - Technically impeccable Buckfast enthusiast.
  • Gent in the Orient - MacDroitwich Ambassador to The People's Republic of China. Degenerate slaphead famed for firing pens out of his knob, 'leaking piss' on long coach journeys and knocking one out in the bogs of high speed trains. Has famously shit taste in cars and indeed everything else. Also known as "Mister Ass".
  • giz - Hapless CLASS enthusiast permanently suffering from the theft and/or expiration of his fleet. Parks cars "at work" for insurance-fraud purposes. Famed for his inadvertently irony-sodden catchphrase, "It's a minter! Just needs a clean!"
  • HH-R - Panda driving weirdo noted for his nitrogen-filled rubber, inexplicable "tyre insurance" and alarmingly poor taste in everything. Definitely not right. Once described as "a lady's private part".
  • Hunn, Brian, - AROnline ultra-moderator also known as Brain Gnnu.
  • Indicarforever - True gent who escaped to warmer climes. Loved a small Tata. Was believed to be pumping Madeleine McCann's mother. MIA
  • Jabba The Mong - Tubby buffoon who made for the door the first time Alex 'Wedge' was evicted. DUMMY SPITTER.
  • Jackonicko - Spluttering and incendiary but ineffectual and short-lived, sort of like a spastic firework. DUMMY SPITTER.
  • Jerry Flint, Mr - Also known as No.6. Lazarus-like cabin-doors-to-mental comedy Yorkshire aerotwat prone to frequent dummy spitting. Pops in to MacDroitwich now and then to tell people that he is considerably richer than they are whilst also giving an unwitting demonstration of his rather troubling mental problems.
  • JJ - One-time emo granny banger and brown Allegro VDP driver, now Allegroless and pretending to have kissed an actual girl to the extent that she is pregnant. MODERATOR.
  • jld - Teacher, trumpeter and rampant communist.
  • Kyle - Father For Justice. A GOOD EGG, but also a rather badly stored one. MIA.
  • Leader (Dodgy Dave) - Not actually the leader of anything. MIA.
  • LeonUSA2 - MacDroitwich Ambassador to The United States of America. Fancies his own sister. Probably.
  • LiamOlf - The silenced man of somewhere. Closet chav. MIA.
  • Limecat - Pointless Septic cockwallet unable to take jovial MacDroitwich ribbing without getting his dad to come along and stick up for him. Ran into the greasy arms of the .cult to be treated like a hero rather than as the monumental spastic he is.
  • Lord Sward - Weak-wristed, pukey shoed, almost completely incomprehensible used car dealer. Puts petrol into diesel vehicles, struggles to adjust steering columns, thinks the Chrysler Neon isn't dreadful. A useless shitpiece. MODERATOR.
  • luncheonticket - MacDroitwich Ambassador to South America. Prevented the sun from setting and the headlining from sagging on CLASS in Argentina. Enjoyed ogling dirty strippers on Birmingham's famous Broad Street. Disappeared shortly afterwards. MIA.
  • Mac5 - Titular co-head of MacDroitwich, famed for "25 hour" working day and almost constant home burglary problems that result from living in a cardboard flat rammed with electrical appliances. Likes dogging, Japanese minicabs and buying car parts "urgently". MODERATOR.
  • Marina ST - South London central heating enthusiast and some time Alvin Stardust impersonator.
  • Mark "Mary" Mastro - Unspellable eBay fraudster and former MG6 owner, now claiming to "buy any car" (apart from Lord Sward's 820 Sterling) though probably lying about this too.
  • MartinZT - Took offence at description of Clit Cars (qv) daytime manager as a "spastic child". The sound of a door slamming was heard shortly afterwards. DUMMY SPITTER.
  • MGJohn - Senile Man Of CLASS famed for his tedious one-note catchphrases, failed political career and inability to engage in a proper argument with anyone who doesn't share his deranged, piss-and-biscuits view of the world. Also known as Touchy McFeely and, more accurately, MonGJohn. DUMMY SPITTER.
  • Mini_SPASTO - Bringing down the MacDroitwich dinosaur since 2006. Seems to be going well.
  • mig25_foxbat - Also known as "Rusty". Took offence at constant mocking of politically correct ideals and idiotically massive signatures until the inevitable final tantrum took place. DUMMY SPITTER.
  • Morris Motors - Eccentric Morrisian ultra-enthusiast, formerly known as "Lord Nuffield". Posited LTI TX4 / Morris 8 Series E resemblance theory, jettisoned dummy when no one agreed then returned on sparkling form only to disappear without a word. Now entertains Twitter with tales of his cat, his bowel movements and his cat's bowel movements. Much missed.
  • Moss, Dickie - Blithering, dicky tickered 800 bodger and former dummy spitter.
  • Mr Average - Good natured yeoman and sometime Man Of CLASS. An infrequent presence these days on account of being balls-deep.
  • Mr.H - Ex-Cowley GOOD EGG from the ARG days, now telling BMW how it is.
  • Mystery SEX PEST, The - Shadowy figure who appears in the background of all caper (qv) photography. Was once believed to be Fünf.
  • Nanqimg - Anonymous insider Paul Stowe, formerly of MG and latterly employed by the Chinese branch of LTI. MIA, no doubt on account of local "re-education".
  • Neil - Fat-handed former squaddie, now making a living murdering animals. Drives a Nissan milkfloat and a CityRover. Almost certainly stood too close to an explosion or something.
  • Nick E - Long suffering wife of Alf Barnet. Needs to get back in her kitchen.
  • Oli South - Ruddy-faced, balloon-headed Bristolian spastic. Also known as HARDY and THE SPASK. "CHEERS THEN"
  • Ottertronic - TV tax-guzzling, not-as-funny-as-he-used-to-be, semi-aquatic twat.
  • PeryPlowPerson - The very nice man behind those flawed Rover 75 window switches. Currently smoking a fat one and listening to the football scores in a far better place. RIP Mr Plow.
  • Peter - Graphic-design extraordinaire, responsible for excellent MacDroitwich logos and the branding of Red Throbber's garage venture. Owns a Mini and a Triumph Herald. Collects blank number plates.
  • Red Throbber - North Walian Man Of CLASS. Takes a picture of 1979 into the hairdresser.
  • Rhyds - Intensely Welsh Man Of Class and former MacDroitwich IT support. Stormed away from MacDroitwich after forging foolish allegiance with Alex 'Wedge' and his urine soaked HH-R forum. DUMMY SPITTER.
  • (C)Rockdude - Mental pyromaniac and creator of the "seminal" Hunn-wrath-incurring Belmonty (qv).
  • Rod/b - Diminutive master of low finance and MacDroitwich Ambassador to the Middle East.
  • ROVER-25X - Spasticated .cult flotsam and amateur dogging cockend.
  • Sandie - Sex-pesty Susan Boyle-alike and spastic trousered wanker.
  • Sarah Bear - Text speak mentalmiss and former MacDroitwich pin-up, now making babies with Ed. God alone knows how he thinks that's done. MIA.
  • Scaramanga - Has a more erudite man ever 'slammed' an MGF?
  • Seamaster, Dave - Bionic eared, tax-evading benefits cheat and professional racist. MODERATOR.
  • scuba_dave - Saved from the .CULT and welcomed with open arms into the warm bosom of MacDroitwich. Sometimes spits his dummy but usually comes straight back. Inexplicably receives envelopes full of squirrels from a leading insurance company. Suffers from "boiling" piss and a "specturm' on his "Nexus". Generates an horrendous amount of grunting in his kitchen. Once wiped his arse on someone's bobble hat and then gave it back to them. Killed at least seven owls during a three day spree of deranged urination. Keeps a dead seagull in a box with 'spare excellence' written on the side. Honestly believes that he owns several hot air balloons even though he doesn't. Has eaten over 17 kilos of Blu-Tack in the last two weeks alone. Once stapled a live monkey to a fish in order to create a 'mermaid'. Tries to pretend that someone in Wrexham has stolen all of his shoes. Sometimes claims to have invented the Biro, despite vast body of evidence to the contrary. Owns 48 woks but has simply no idea what they are for. Recently changed his name to ‘Princess Anne’, then immediately changed it back again. Writes terrifying letters to the rhythm section of Bon Jovi using the pseudonym ‘R6Man1983’. Adamant that Cheesy Wotsits are ‘a type of mammal’. Used to drink literally gallons of Bovril until he realised it was making his legs go beige. Performs violent and upsetting street magic under the nom de plume ‘Davide Amazing’. Banned from Stratford-upon-Avon after being caught in the car park of the Holiday Inn furiously bumming a duck. Once got into a lot of trouble for ‘stealing’ a homeless man. Wasted two and half years trying to persuade the government to change the name of Stoke-on-Trent to ‘Su Fucking Pollard’. Once went out to by an atlas but came home with a bag of cats and a mouth FULL of laser printer toner. Constantly getting the word ‘sofa’ confused with the word ‘spherical’. Has some awful, awful things in that cupboard. Dines exclusively on coat hangers during March and October, but denies their very existence in May. Once did a fart and some green stuff came out. Spent seven years making a dinner jacket from wellington boots. Was speaker of the House of Commons from 1972-76, but had to give it up as it clashed with the jeans he was wearing. Was born aged 41. Attends Parish Council meetings dressed as Batman, but goes to the bank wearing no clothes whatsoever and uses a gymnasium wearing a full suit and tie. Heir apparent to the throne of Peru, or would be, if such a thing existed, which it doesn't. Says he produced all of the albums released by American rock band, the Foo Fighters, even he really only did the second one. Pretends his phone number is 4. Produces sounds from his knees. Creates a truly extraordinary amount of staining. Probably isn't the actor Matthew Perry. Invented hot raspberry face mousses. Secretes Vaseline from his hands. Once insured his home and contents for the sum of "one Stanley". Pointlessly claims to be a world expert in ‘Scottish cheeses’. Once tried to "renovate" his house by stapling a live foal to the wall. Uses a mobile phone that runs on patisserie items. Writes books about cress under the pseudonym "Judith Chalmers". Once wrote to the Inland Revenue asking for "not a very big Chicken Madras". Not allowed back into 17 branches of Little Chef because of what happened. Used to kick up a terrible fuss in the Luton branch of Argos. Recently ordered 170lbs of goat meat and then just threw it into the sea. Often annoyed that people think his hairstyle is a cycling helmet. Needlessly threw a microwave oven at the actor Tom Conti. Hates USB 2.0, absolutely HATES USB 2.0. Pronounces the word digital as 'dijikal'. Has a smelly lawn. Enjoys a long running personal fantasy in which he lives on an oil rig and goes around solving crimes in partnership with Rusty Lee and a talking cloud of gas. Fixed Belgium in 2007 but now it's broken again. Books up to thirteen dental appointments every week. Sucks on Barrocca tablets as if they're sweets until he foams at the mouth like a loony. Once drove all the way to Inverness, said "Hello mate" to a tramp and then drove home again. Shouts furious things at clouds. Suspicious of Wednesday. Believes 'History of the Southern Railway' by C.F. Dendy-Marshall to be a "holy text". Sucks on frozen fish fingers like they're lollipops. Sometimes shouts 'WATCH MY STUNTZ' and then jumps down the last three steps of the staircase. Afraid of Lee Majors. Travels everywhere in a very silly hovercraft. Claims his ancestors INVENTED WORDS. Feeds millionaire's shortbread to sea birds. Bafflingly refers to chocolate biscuits as 'cockolat basquats'. Intolerant of beef but happily eats camel and zebra meat. Tried to build a hat out of crabapple jelly. Likes horses a lot. Makes his own milk somehow. Cheers himself up by going abseiling. Lies about the height of Former Prime Ministers Washes his socks in a tub full of stones. Unashamed to admit that he has a drawer full of faeces. Has a spine made of ethernet. Owns several thousand kettle leads but only one kettle. Reminds you that it is none of your business how and why he buys his meat. Has a small hatch in his fireplace through which he can "evict jackdaws as necessary". Claims to enjoy "a garage full of bath". Has a muscular head. Owns a sledgehammer called "Mr Tappy" and a crowbar called "Quoth". Emits an "almost palpable miasma of moth repellent". Pisses molten chocolate, apparently. Once pooed a laptop into a train lavatory. Regularly "consumes chicken that has changed colour, smell AND texture". Confuses the word "remove" with the word "tennis". Proudly claims to be "getting huge". Uses the word "widdershins" like a mediaeval simpleton. Sucks at least four eggs a day. Claims to be allergic to Smash. An odd man, yet also much better at organising capers than Benny. Wonders why the toilets at Crewe train station stink of piss. Bakes cakes with semen in them. And feathers.
  • Sheefag - Prominent Asian businessman famed for "SEND ME HIS FUCKING NUMBER PLEASE COME AGAIN" catchphrase.
  • Steve Worsley (ST170) - Rat-faced SPASK-o-chumming Maestro enthusiast. DUMMY SPITTER.
  • Swiss Mike - Knowledgeable, successful used car dealer. Ergo, the anti-Sward. Also known as Tablecloth.
  • T1MMY - Ironically smug Blue Oval enthusiast and amateur Harry Potter impersonator, constantly being asked to ring Lord Sward.
  • Tomcat216 - Mysterious Spanish lunatic famous for buying a bright yellow Rover Tomcat, inexplicably labelled it "Mike Homo" and then smashing through the bodywork with his own face like a fucking loony. All of this later turned out to be untrue. Also, he's Welsh not Spanish. MIA.
  • Tootall - Took offence at MacDroitwichian jovial banter and in particular the term "spastic child". Teetered on spitting brink for some time before the inevitable occurred. DUMMY SPITTER.
  • traineefarmer - East Anglian yeoman, almost constantly in the throes of a Volvo-related transmission disaster.
  • Wedgeley, Elvis - Comical nickname for Princess-loving Man Of CLASS Kevin Davis, the application of which caused an outbreak of hubris on AROnline.
  • Whiskeyonesix - MacDroitwich Ambassador to The Antipodes. Former Land Rover employee who fled to Australia and now spends his time being attacked by spiders. MIA.
  • Windy - Former CULT refugee with a nice line in impartial Chinese car news, turned to the dark side and now relentless sucker of Sinocock.
  • Yan2cv - Tried to earn money with a Sherpa recovery truck which constantly broke down, now makes a living typing out drivel loosely related to motorcars. DUMMY SPITTER.
  • Zeuss 101 - Bellendic low quality food enthusiast and avid fan of the Far Right. DUMMY SPITTER.
  • ZS - Humourless Clit-Cars (qv) moderator and devoted daft spastic(qv).

The MacDroitwich LANDMARKS[edit]

  • Several million years ago - The big bang - Early K-series to blame. Earth cools. MGB design signed off.
  • April 1938 - The launch of the Morris 8 Series 'E' to a wildly ecstatic public. A stunned Adolf Hitler immediately reacts by forging links with Japan and unifying with Austria.
  • September 1939 - That's right Chris, IT'S WAR!
  • May 1945 - IT'S NOT WAR!
  • June 1946 - MacDroitwich regular JJ decides to sell his MG TF.
  • August 1948 - With peace restored to Europe by the Nuffield Organization acting largely alone, production of the Morris 8 Series 'E' finally ends. A nation mourns.
  • August 1954 - JJ re-advertises his MG TF at a lower price.
  • October 1980 - miniMetro launched, postponing the relaunch of the Morris 8 Series 'E'. A British Car To Beat The World. But not, as it turned out 17 years later, A British Car To Beat The Euro NCAP test.
  • April 1982 - JJ still hopeful that someone will call about his MG TF.
  • October 1989 - Rover 200, code named R8, is launched to an astonished public. Queues form outside of Rover dealers.
  • January 1994 - The Occupation commences. "For you Tommy, ze Hydragas is OVER". A nation mourns. The Maestro and Montego are cruelly culled from the sales lists.
  • July 1997 - JJ considers taking some new photographs of his MG TF before re-advertising it at the same price.
  • March 2000 - The Occupiers can take no more Brummie Bolshiness and retreat.
  • March 2005 - Fat Kev (qv) rejects calls for the re-introduction of the Morris 8 Series 'E'. The company subsequently flounders.
  • April 2005 - The Unpleasantness (qv). A nation mourns.
  • July 2006 - M-DAY. MacDroitwich inaugurated. Street parties across the nation CELEBRATE FREEDOM.
  • November 2006- Droitwich Lloyd delivers 'The Duchess' to new owner Mac5. Seamaster and Sward join in the celebrations as much champagne is consumed. Don't ask where the car is now. It is dead to us.
  • January 2007 - MacDroitwich violated by the fetid open bowels of The SPASK (qv). A rapid clean-up operation follows.
  • June 2007 - Droity travels North. Much champagne is consumed leading to the now-infamous 'missing hours'.
  • November 2007 - MacDroitwich Curry Caper held in Britain's 2nd City to celebrate Lord Sward's 79th birthday.
  • March 2008 - MacDroitwich's 1st (official) Continental Caper to the Geneva Salon.
  • March 2008 - MacDroitwich has 40K posts deleted by the balloon headed West Country TWAT (qv). A nation mourns.
  • March 2008 - Catgate. A nation meows.
  • May 2008 - A-R Forum admits defeat and calls it a day. Redirects traffic in act of bitterness. MacDroitwich more popular than ever. A-R Re-opens within 48hrs following "hundreds" of requests. MacDroitwich remains hugely popular. A-R remains dead. A nation conspicuously fails to mourn.
  • June 2008 - Jaguar/Land Rover is bought by TATA motors of India. Totally unconnected to WhiskeyOneSix's repeated demands for a decent curry in the works canteen, having tired of burgers and freedom fries.
  • July 2008 - MacDroitwich AGM. Droity sings the blues, Lord Sward (sporting a Rover tie) outlines the future for MacDroitwich.
  • July 2008 - New sub-forum launched to discuss the cars, the engineering and the genius behind them, named in honour of Genius Of CLASS Spen King.
  • September 2008 - Lord Sward finally manages to sell the Jaguar S-type that had been in his showroom so long it came to define all that was wrong with Jaguar. Well, when you say 'sell'....
  • September 2008 - Droity's 'football socks' wearing friend clips bollard in the TF after late night drinks party. Lord Sward sells Benny an unmarked MG Rover.
  • September 2008 - Ducky stuffs his great ZT+ 190 en route to pick-up Lord Sward from the Titty-Twister. Unfortunately, his hairstyle remains undamaged.
  • September 2008 - MacDroitwich breakdown forum given new, easy to remember name,
  • September 2008 - Rumours sweep the internet of a new generation Morris 8 Series 'E'. It turns out to be a 4x4 BINI.
  • October 2008 - The MacDroitwich Wiki is invented. Probably going to end in tears.
  • October 2008 - A-R Forum fails to grasp this Wiki concept and publishes these lists instead of creating its own.
  • November 2008 - Classic Car Caper to NEC. Posh dinner to celebrate Lord Sward's 29th. Yes, 29 AGAIN.
  • December 2008 - HARDY forgoes festive parties on account of having no actual friends and spends New Year's Eve 'editing' the MacDroitWiki then forgets to log-out, the DAFT BALLOON HEADED MENTALIST.
  • February 2009 - Museums of CLASS tour. Highpoint involves private audience with Dr. Alex Moulton CBE, at The Hall, Bradford-on-Avon, commencing with Scaramanga receiving a ritual bollocking from the great man for 'slamming' his MGF. MacDroitwich's Spen King Symposium renamed in Moulton's honour shortly afterwards.
  • March 2009 - MacDroitwich's 2nd (official) Continental Caper to the Geneva Salon. Culminates in Sward losing his kebab in Nice. Invoices yet to appear from Alamo for clattered Citroen (Pearly) and from Nice Council for a new bench (Sward)
  • April 2009 - First MacDroitwich wedding as Ed rattle cans the knot with SarahBear. Best man Benny doffs cap towards The World's Most Brutal BL Forum which is fortunate since no one actually invited to witness the event.
  • May 2009 - The 1st (unofficial) Lahndon Caper. Using Sherlock Homo as their inspiration, a crack team of MacDroitwichers go in search of a MIA Dave Seamaster. They visit such land marks as 'Shattered Dreams Parkway', 'Unappreciated Avenue', 'Back-stabbing Central' and, just for fun, B ISTO ARS. All concerned come away feeling mugged having succumbed to the dreaded CC (Cockney Costs). A Northern Whetherspones never looked so appealing.
  • July 2009 - The 2009 MacDroitwich AGM is held in MIDDLE WELSH WALES. Highlights include steaks like telephone directories, Mr Plow getting scared by small hills and Mr + Mrs Plow cooking a cracking BBQ. Rumours that some members were chased by BIG WHITE BALLS around Portmeirion are sadly untrue.
  • December 2009 - Taking a leaf out of the HARDY book of lonely festive spasticity, Atari button mentalist Richard Moss spends his Christmas Day evening vandalising the MacDroitWiki. Presumably because it was too cold to go outside and attack the paintwork of his own car with a Brillo pad.
  • January 2010 - The second Kings Lynn Crap Car Flog-off. A largely-trumpeted occasion eventually attended only by the HARDCORE FOUR. Saleroom attended and much BEDWARD-style filler and overspray spotted, huge quantities of exhaust fumes inhaled and lashings of cottage pie consumed. Evening spent upsetting the licencees of one establishment by hijacking the jukebox and playing almost an entire Chas 'n' Dave Greatest Hits album. MacDrotiwich meets a tanks driver and a girl with a hungry arse, goes clubbing and drinks liquorice flavour spirits. Rod/b locks himself out of his hotel room in his pants whilst attempting to find the lavatory. Many parking tickets issued.
An logo featuring a big pile of shit, yesterday
  • February 2010 - Plans are announced to build the new MG6 hatchback at Longbridge, further postponing the re-launch of the Morris 8 Series 'E'. A nation gets a takeaway.
  • March 2010 - Lord Sward gets a dog, mostly as an excuse to buy an Austin Allegro estate. Hopefully it's not a BIG DOG then.
  • April 2010 - Benny bangs something that isn't a lady. It's his Rover 25. Into a lorry. The myopic oaf manages to escape, but the car isn't so lucky.
  • April 2010 - JJ manages to sell his MG TF after just 74 years of trying.
  • May 2010 - MacDroitwich receives a new logo. It has AN TURD on it.
  • May 2010 - Lord Sward stops talking about buying cars and actually buys one. It is a Rover P6. Which he promptly sells.
  • July 2010 - The "Hardcore Four" visit the Goodwood Festival of Speed in the hope of driving the all new and all British* MG6. Instead they run into the Comedy Yorkshireman before Lord Sward declares the MY10 TF to be back to its best and celebrates this fact by attempting to write it off. Meanwhile, the MG6 proves a hit with its "core market" by managing to holding up everything else on the track.
  • July 2010 - Rhyds and Alex 'Wedge' set off on the Street Safari Home 2 Rome Rally in a Rover 800 limo decorated in an upsetting way. Amazingly they make it there and back again.
  • November 2010 - Turbulent times in the history of MacDroitwich as various MacDroitwichians, lead by Alex 'Wedge', grow weary of the ever-malfunctioning main forum and begin 'load testing' the Supercover back-up forum with a view to moving there full time. Sensing that their feeble powers are being undermined, the moderation team starts flapping about like it's at a spastic disco and accuses all involved of staging a coup.
  • February 2011 - An ailing, MacDroitwich is rebranded as 'The Listing Forum'
  • March 2011 - Marking a new era in the already enviable history of the World's Most Brutally Run BL Forum, MacDroitwich stalwart Alex 'Wedge' is "evicted" from the website, after his plot to bring down MacD and replace it with a forum 'just for people he likes' is blown out into the open. Several other guilty MacDroitwichians resign their commission in fear of follow-up moderation.
  • April 2011 - Yet another forum attack from BITTER MEN as the entire management team is demoted. Panicked by their loss of moderation power, management calls upon an old forum back-up file in order to restore their positions, losing a month's worth of well crafted posts in the process. Oh well.
  • April 2011 - The annual Pride of Longbridge event, colloquially known as the Rustival. JJ parks his brown Allegro Vanden Plas on a dog turd; Lord Sward has a Montego snatched from under his nose; the newly-formed HH-R forum distributes syntactically inept flyers to a disinterested crowd. Otherwise, a grand day out all round.
  • May 2011 - Unofficial MacDroitwich subsidiary, The Yugo Sana 1.4 & Sao Penza Forum is created. In years to come people will remember exactly where they were when they heard of its existence. That's right, they were doing something else.
  • June 2011 - Attention seeking retard Barry expends considerable energy badgering Lord Sward into fettling an old Marina to an extremely high standard and then selling it to him. He takes delivery and then promptly flog it for a profit, the ungrateful twat.
  • July 2011 - Mark 'Mary' Maestro makes parole and returns to the balmy climes of MacDroitwich. Keep an eye on your wallet.
  • September 2011 - Asian businessman and artful agitator Sheefag antagonises a .cult-based American dog murderer, thereby triggering intense spasticated flapping from their moderation team and the desertion of several Childs disciples who subsequently fetch up on the welcoming shores of MacDroitwich.
  • September 2011 - Following a lengthy campaign led by Lord Sward, Benny R6man becomes the fifth member of the HH-R forum management team and therefore one of only five people who bother to post on it.
  • October 2011 - MacDroitwich launches a unique sub-forum dedicated to the Rover 400/45 and MG ZS, thereby filling a gap in the online discussion market that had been hitherto unfilled. Unless you count the HH-R forum. Which, frankly, few do.
  • December 2011 - MacDroitwich re-brands its Rover 400/45 and MG ZS sub-forum as a discussion area for people interested in the MG6. All four of them.
  • February 2012 - Benny is forced to sell his Rover 75 to Neil for the sum of £500 (minus 50 quid because it's all broken and has no fuel in it). Dictionaries the world over are updated so that the entry for 'irony' now reads, 'See; Benny's comically piss-poor attempts to sell that shit Rover 75 held together with Velcro'.
  • April 2012 - MacDroitwich becomes the world's most popular MG6 forum. Not our words; the words of the Google corporation of America. Fact!
  • April 2012 - The annual Pride of Longbridge Festival. MacDroitwichians gather en masse, have a look at some scrap, laugh at Alex 'Wedge' and his shit shorts, then bugger off to the pub. Textbook.
  • May 2012 - MacDroitwich announces a brand new Supercover back-up forum. Almost immediately goes off the rails as half of the registered users are people claiming to be Benny, thereby turning the entire enterprise into a fat and cretinous version of I Am Spartacus.
  • June 2012 - A dark time for the internet, the automotive industry and the very fabric of human existence as the seminal Yugo Sana & Sao Penza Foru [sic] is shut down for being too popular (and not at all because no one cares and Doug has forgotten the admin password). A nation mourns. Or at least it would if it gave a badly made Yugoslavian shit about the Yuga Senoe and whatever the other one was called. The Pneezo?
  • June 2012 - MacDroitwich receives a stylish new logo, inspired by the signage on MG Motor System & Spicy Hand Grenade's flagship premises in Qatar. Thanks Peter!
  • July 2012 - Hang the bunting and sing hosannahs! Where other websites merely talk, MacDroitwich proves itself to be a site of action as everyone's favourite eBay fraudster Mark 'Mary' Maestro chooses a brand new MG6. And not just because someone else is paying.
  • August 2012 - Various MacDroitwichians convene in the city of Leeds to hold the 2012 AGM and toast the arrival of Mary Maestro's leased MG6. His actual 6 hasn't turned up but Maestro lets Rabbi Andy Colm destroy the clutch and engine of his placeholder courtesy car before merriment begins in earnest and everyone on the MacDroitwich management team agrees to be half rice / half chips, just to keep things clear.
  • October 2012 - The Crewe Caper. Various MacDroitwichians descend on a Cestrian shithole to tour the Bentley factory, look at some old trains and meet scuba_dave who turns out to be surprisingly normal and does commit any murders, even after Benny rather ungraciously pushes out a big shit in his house.
An old man celebrates his birthday, yesterday
  • November 2012 - Despite Benny's organisational ineptitude and multi-list obfuscation techniques, a merry band of MacDroitwichians descends on Longbridge to look around the empty factory and pretend engineering centre. The streets of Birmingham run with bitter tears of regret (qv) as a result.
  • Christmas 2012 - Lady Sward receives a Chrysler Neon for Christmas. Adds the Samaritans to her mobile phone, speed-dial 1.
  • February 2013 - Evicted member Alex 'Wedge' returns to MacDroitwich, refreshed, rejuvenated and now with 37 more XJ40s. Probably.
  • April 2013 - Margaret Thatcher dies. A forum mourns. Lord Sward returns from a party sober, in order to keep new, expensive shoes for once VOMIT FREE.
  • May 2013 - In a move that would have made Hugo Chavez proud, Lord Sward breaks from long-held MacDroitwich protocol and locks a thread in a blithering moment of FREEDOM HATTERY and spacticity.
  • September 2013 - Dark times for MacDroitwich as Alex 'Wedge' is evicted. Again.
  • September 2013 - Even darker times for MacDroitwich as Austin Towers is made management, despite his double posting spasticity, clammy handed moderating enthusiasm and disgusting ginger hair.
  • October 2013 - A mass of MacDroitwichians descends on the Morgan and Land Rover factories sporting a collective style best described as 'paedo chic'.
  • November 2013 - Lord Sward celebrates 29 years of celebrating his 29th birthday.